MY RETIREMENT FROM 16 INCH SOFTBALL

I don’t think I took it too far but my face says otherwise. While attempting to make a diving catch during my work team’s co-ed 16-inch softball playoff game I managed to face plant so badly that I had a nice skin burn on my forehead and on the bridge of my nose.

I remember sprinting out to short right-center field from my short-stop position to make a play and knew I’d have to dive. It definitely wasn’t the best dive I’d ever made and I remember my face hitting the grass as I slid to a stop. I picked up my hat that had flown off during the failed attempt and began spitting out the grass that was in my mouth. I touched my face with my hand and there wasn’t any blood so I knew it wasn’t that serious of an injury. But my teammates kept saying, “Oh you should get that looked at”, or “That looks really bad” or just wincing and turning their heads. I said, “If I’m not bleeding profusely it can’t be that bad.” Oh, and I didn’t make the catch!

I went back to my position and we managed to end the inning. I couldn’t wear my hat on my forehead because of the raw skin, which began to burn and sting. I began to laugh at myself because I KNEW I was going to be ridiculed for my gaffe, especially by my family.

The game mercifully came to an end and I received more concerned words and stares from the opposing team as we shook hands. Someone on my team got some gauze and alcohol wipes to help begin a little first aid treatment. JJ administered the alcohol wipes, which stung my open wounds horribly. I decided to forgo the post-game meal at Mark’s on 66 (our team sponsor) and head on to CVS to get some Band-Aids and Neosporin.

Luckily no one made a fuss or stared when I walked into CVS. The alcohol had dried and I felt the skin around the wounds beginning to stretch in the self healing process. I noticed that my ability to perform facial expressions would be severely limited as the wounds started to heal. I stood in the First-Aid aisle for at least ten minutes trying to figure out which Band-Aids were the best fit for my face and my wounds. I finally paid for some multi-size bandages and some Neosporin.

Upon reaching home I immediately went to the bathroom to check out my face. Both wounds were crusty from the alcohol and were bright red, but no blood; I knew it wasn’t that bad. I hopped into the shower and again winced as the water hit the open wounds. I gently washed my face to get any remaining dirt out of the wounds, and then applied some Neosporin. I put a bandage on my forehead, but had trouble finding a bandage that would fit the bridge of my nose. I came to the conclusion that I’d have to sleep on my back to keep from rubbing my face in the pillow (something that I do frequently when I sleep). 

Sleep managed to elude me and I woke up around 3:30 am due to my face stinging and my wounds leaking. So I gauzed my nose the wounds and bandaged my forehead again. Amazingly, I was able to catch a couple more hours of shut eye.

I woke up for work with a stiff neck and my right knee was pretty sore (two more byproducts of the failed dive); I could turn my head to the left, but had some discomfort. I took a look in the mirror at my face, took a picture with my phone and sent it to my younger brother DT. Getting ready for work took a few minutes longer just due to cleaning the wounds. I put a new bandage on my forehead, but left the bridge of my nose untouched.

My plan was to try and avoid everyone at work on Thursday. I was hoping to get away with just hiding in my cube but to no avail. LS my boss came over to my cube and when I turned to face her (my back faces the opening to my cube) she gasped and became very concerned. She said she wasn’t too squeamish and asked me what happened. All the while I was laughing, because what else could I do. It was funny; and I figured laughter would be the most disarming thing for everyone so they wouldn’t worry or anything. During our conversation LS mentioned her own softball injuries (a couple of black eyes from miss-judging fly balls in the outfield), and that she hoped I would heal quickly.

CS came up from the fourth floor and JJ came up about an hour after her. I shared some laughs with them regarding how my face looked and the busted plays that contributed to our loss. MS also stopped by to take a look at my face. I also managed to email a picture to my buddy BR. We shared a good laugh over instant messenger about the failed catch too.

I checked my phone around lunch time and noticed that DT had left a couple text messages. His first message said, “Dude… do you know how to play correctly?” His second said, “The first rule of fight club… there is no fight club.” So apparently he was going to take this time to crack some jokes. My mom sent a text messages saying, “Please call at lunchtime!” and “What in the world… YOU ARE GOING TO BE BLACKER AND BLUE-ER WHAT HAPPENED?” I spent half of my lunch break explaining what happened to my mom and told her that I’d call home later; oh concerned parents what would we children do without you? My older brother ATJ, asked, “J what is wrong with the face?”

More laughs came when I called my parents again on my way home from work. My dad answered the phone this time and immediately he asked me what had happened. Usually when my brothers and I do something that seemingly didn’t involve a lot of thinking we can pretty much expect our dad to relay some sarcasm and jokes. “So you were down how many runs? And you still decided to dive after the ball?” He was half chuckling and I was laughing; there isn’t a lot you can say to explain yourself after what I did. I would consider myself a pretty competitive person, I guess in this case it was to my detriment; something that my dad tried to get me to understand. I don’t know it’s hard for me to not get competitive or try hard; I really don’t know any other way to play.

But this recent injury episode is giving me reason for pause; I’m not eighteen anymore, so trying to recover from scrapes, bumps, bruises, and jammed fingers is taking longer than it used to. I guess that’s why I’m making the decision to step away from 16 inch. Maybe take up 12 inch softball again; at least they get to use a mitt. 

Privacy Please

The announcement of Bristol Palin's pregnancy drew quite a stir from the media prior to the Republican National Convention held in Minnesota last week. Rumors and erroneous reports began to seep towards the nation's airwaves, while the Palin family and party advisers scrambled to clarify the details of the pregnancy. As the whole situation continued to unfold last week, I couldn't help but wonder about the loss of privacy in our nation.

The 24 hour, 7 days a week news cycle churns out opinion and information at a blistering rate. No one is really immune to it's scope; just ask Levi Johnston. I bet he never dreamed that he'd go from high school hockey player to being on the stage at the Republican National Convention. By now, his name has been mentioned thousands of times on the air, in print or in online publications. And to think people around the nation will know him not for his slap shot, or thunderous checks, but as the guy who got a vice presidential candidate's daughter pregnant. I must say it seems just a tad unfair. I'm not trying to rationalize or make light of his and Bristol's decision, but it's amazing to see how sometimes the consequences of our actions shine like a full moon on a cloudless night.

I found part the Palin family's statement regarding the pregnancy pretty interesting, "Bristol and the young man she will marry are going to realize very quickly the difficulties of raising a child, which is why they have the love and support of our entire family. We ask the media to respect our daughter and Levi's privacy as has always been the tradition of children of candidates".

It just seems like this story has been the great gossip at this juncture in election campaign. And instead of the whispers, stares and finger-pointing that happen in smaller social circles around the country, this situation exploded into a gossip that the whole nation could take part in. It's not just that they are a young couple with a child on the way, but they are a young couple with a budding pregnancy in the midst of a presidential election. Any privacy, decency and accuracy that the media, bloggers or other personalities may show would go right out the window.

For the youtube, myspace and facebook generation (of which I am a part); this should be a tale of caution. Even though we may long to pad the number of views on our web page, posts on our blogs or acceptance of friend requests, we may be in turn setting ourselves up to be the next Levi Johnston.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Have we lost privacy in our nation? Do we shoulder some of the blame in that loss of privacy? Is the media play the hero or villain when reporting such stories and issues?

Jonathan

For English Press One

The LPGA's announcement requiring international players to pass an evaluation of their English speaking skills (set to begin in 2009) has opened an interesting discourse across the country and around the world. But in their desire to broaden their fan base, strengthen existing sponsorships and attempt to gain new ones, has the LPGA waded into the murky waters of discrimination against some of their players?

Ultimately, I believe the descision to have this evaluation or proficiency rule is a favorable idea for all parties involved. Although, I also believe that the LPGA went about informing everyone of this new rule in the wrong way.

What do the players have to lose? The threat of suspension is an option if players do not pass or adhere to the new English speaking rule. But I think that the positives outweigh the negatives. For those players who do fall under the English provision, learning a new language can not only broaden their fan base in the United States but it could very well open up new marketing and sponsorship opportunities.

I do not believe that this new rule will be an assault upon the cultural identity of new international players in the LPGA. If the LPGA mandated that new international players renounce their homeland or renounce their home language then there should be strong protesting and condemnation. However, this is not the case; learning a new language can only assist that particular player on and off the golf course, whether it's English or another language.

The LPGA is not off the hook in regards to their new announcement. The announcement of the new rule should've been relayed to ALL players regardless of their nationality; this was not the case. The LPGA may also have to contend with legality issues as well. The LPGA does have time on it's side in regards to this issue. The rule is not being put into place until the 2009 season, which will allow for LPGA administrators to properly and clearly define the rule and how it will be implemented. But due to a less then stellar public relations announcement, the LPGA is on the defensive.

Does speaking another language really matter when trying to hit a small dimpled ball 250 to 300 yards? Yes, if you're a professional golfer. Because not only are these women professional athletes, competing against one another and the difficult courses that they play on, but they also are ambassadors for their sport. Being an ambassador in the world of professional sports doesn't just end once the game is finished, but it continues when players meet their fans, address the media and interact with their sponsors. Therefore, to further strengthen and broaden the game of golf, this rule should be embraced.

Here's my twist in this story. If the LPGA is going to set forth an English speaking rule for international players, then international tournaments should do the same to English speaking golfers. There should be a sharing of cultures on both sides, international players and American or English speaking players. This should be what the LPGA is truly searching and reaching for; to broaden the marketability of their game, and the beauty of the game by the acceptance cross-cultural communication.


WHAT DO YOU THINK? Has the LPGA crossed the line in mandating an English speaking rule for it's international players? Is a suspension for a failed test or lack of adherence the proper action against players? Is the language argument really relevant?


Jonathan

Growing Pains and Coming Together

There is no doubt that America is quickly moving towards a November presidential election that quite possibly could change the landscape of American politics forever. But could all the attention, support and excitement that Barack Obama's campaign has received highlight an ever growing shift between young black politicans and their elders?

The August 10, 2008 edition of The New York Times Magazine, ran an article entitled, "Is Obama the End of Black Politics?", exploring this issue and some of the major players who are dealing first-hand with this question. After reading the article I wondered if I had missed this new black political revolution, but upon further inspection there were signs of this shift coming.

The words of the Rev. Jesse Jackson caught during a break in a FOXNews program brought the shift out into the spotlight. In less than a minute, Americans were able to witness the ever-fading legacy of a historical black political figure. But as Rev. Jackson's actions seemingly put him on the bench, who is going to be willing and capable enough to be the star of black politics?

Cornell Belcher, a pollster for the Obama campaign, was quoted in The New York Times Magazine piece as saying, "I'm the new black politics. The people I work with are the new black politics. We don't carry around that history. We see the world through post-civil rights eyes. I don't mean that disrespectfully, but that's just the way it is. Barack Obama is the sum of their struggle. He's the sum of their tears, their fights, their marching, their pain. This opportunity is the sum of that." I disagree with Mr. Belcher that black Americans can't or don't carry around that history. That history must be carried around and together with modern day experiences bridge generational divides to provide for a brighter future; what good is a future that can't relate to the past and vice versa?

Even though Obama's proposed policies and plans regarding civil rights are ambitious and seem to hold water, will they be enough to rally older black leaders and other potential voters? In running for president, Obama isn't just running for blacks but everyone else that makes up America as well. It's because of that fact that he won't and can't be the sole voice or figurehead of the black community, because that falls short of his ultimate goal. So then if it's NOT Obama, then who?

In all honesty, does there need to be a black leader in America? Are black Americans still mobilizing under the old institutions of the civil rights era? There is no question that there are still systemic issues that need be challenged and changed in America. Those who lead the rallying cry for this change should not only come from the pulpits and political advocacy groups, but also the classrooms, lecture halls and playgrounds in America. Black America can only be furthered and strengthened by embracing it's history AND building towards a future.


What do YOU think? Do figures like the Rev. Jesse Jackson still hold some relevance in today's political landscape? Has black America reached a post-civil rights era? Should Barack Obama be the figurehead for black America?


Jonathan

And To Think He Could've Gone Faster...

Jamaican sprinter, Usain Bolt, has now added an Olympic gold medal to his title as, "The World's Fastest Man". Bolt incredibly recorded a time of 9.69 seconds in the men's 100m final in Beijing.

As I watched the final preparations before the race and listened to the NBC commentators, Ato Boldon and Tom Hammond, I couldn't help but get excited. The lights and grandeur of the Olympics catered to Bolt, who seemed relaxed and even playful with the crowd before getting into the starting blocks. Bolt's reactions were far different from his countryman, Asafa Powell, who looked like an already defeated man before he reached the blocks.

I wonder if anyone realized while watching the race that they were witnessing a new chapter in track & field. In an era that has seen numerous athletes cut down by steroid accusations and convictions, Bolt provided a much needed breath of fresh air. He hardly resembles the mold of a sprinter, standing 6 feet 4 inches. Due to his height he doesn't have to take as many steps as his smaller competitors, which matters greatly in a race like the 100 meters. And to think that some may dream to see him on an NFL roster. There is no doubt that Bolt has captured the attention of the world as well as made his country proud, but he could've done better.

Bolt raced down the middle of the track and upon noticing the absence of any competitors in close vicinity, began to showboat. With about 20 meters to go, Bolt stretched out his arms in celebration and thumped his chest as he reached the finish line. As for his abbreviated finish Bolt said, "I didn't come here to run the world record, because I was the world record-holder... I came here to win."

He may not think that his actions in the latter stages of the race were a big deal, but most assuredly they were. Without a doubt Usain Bolt is a talented individual and may have numerous chances to lower the world record. But there's a way in which you should win. Victory should only be celebrated once the competition is over and not before. What would we have said if Bolt somehow stumbled over his shoelace, which became untied during the race (look at his left foot)? Maybe I'm a little old-school when it comes to issues like this, but I highly doubt that my track coach in high school would've allowed the antics that Bolt pulled. Then again, I've never run 100 meters in 9.69 seconds.

What do YOU think? Was Usain Bolt's early celebration warranted? If you were competing against him how would you feel? Can he lower his world record?


Jonathan

Hello Everyone...

Greetings!!

I'm starting up The Jonathan Clause again.

The beginning started over five years ago. This was born as a email newsletter that was sent to friends and family and now I'm branching out to the Internet.

Most of the early content consisted of my thoughts and opinions relating to various articles and stories within the news. While this format will continue, it is my hope that I'll be able to use these posts, thoughts and ideas to refine my writing skills.

These posts are open for you to reflect and comment as well. Please feel free. Part of becoming a better writer is hearing/seeing the compliments, suggestions and criticisms you may have. So please, don't be shy.

Sincerely,

Jonathan

Welcome and prepare...

The Jonathan clause is making a comeback...be prepared.

The Quest for Excellence

What are we as people striving for ultimately? The American dream? Will we find it through watching the lives of Lindsay and Britney or the homeless on the street? Once we obtain "success" what happens then? In succeeding we knock others down, lose ourselves and for a short period of time become bigger than life (or so we think). 

As I watched Michael Irvin give his acceptance speech for his induction into the Pro Football Hall of Fame I was struck. Here was a man who had everything. Achieved the highest of goals. A champion athlete, hero to some, and villain to others. But with all his excellence and success there were the demons. The drugs, women, etc. He stood at the podium in tears and apologized to his wife and kids. He prayed. It seemed like true humility. 

But even with all the acclaim he's received, he knows he didn't do "it" correctly. That he threw people under the bus. He told his boys not to do the things that dad did. The road to excellence may seem easy at times, but it's often marked with potholes, repaving, roadblocks and bridge collapses.

It's funny how celebrities lead their lives. Their triumphs and tragedies are very public; even the mundane is reported. But what I've been drawn to is how some of them manage to come through the tragedies they face. Is there true humility? True brokenness? A realization that there is true redemption? It looked as though Michael Irvin understood. That despite his troubles God granted him grace and mercy. That he didn't just rest on his triumphs or self will to succeed.

"...let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." - Hebrews 12:1-2

God knows our struggles, and in order to complete this race we must give our sins to Him. Otherwise, we're going to fall at every step. The lifelong struggle...

Are you ready for this? Will you go watch?

During our past couple of trips to the movie theater my younger brother and I have seen the trailer for World Trade Center starring Nicolas Cage. I bowed my head during both times the trailer was played. I have no desire to see this film, to see the trailer or anything like it.

In just over a month's time five years will have elapsed since September 11th, 2001. I just don't think enough time has passed to begin doing movies in the theater. Maybe this is just me. But it's hard to look at movie images when I still have the real images ingrained in my brain.

I'm not trying to take anything away from the story that is being told in the movie, but why are we going through this again? The pain, the feelings of loss, anger, and shock?

Maybe I'm just angry. Well a little. I had class that morning. Christian Thought. We started class and then someone came in and turned on the TV. By that time the first plane had already crashed. Then came the second plane. We went on with class. We f***ing went on with class. We were let out a bit early, but then in Philosophy it happened again. We didn't even MENTION what happened. I never did agree with how the college chose to handle this situation. We shouldn't have had class.

So to conclude I'm not going to see the movie (reality was bad enough). Is the rest of America?

So the FCC won't let me be...

I'm a little upset. The government is trying to crack down on us again. How? Sports. Specifically broadcasts where dirty language slips by the sensors. Frankly I don't know how they are going to stop this. The FCC could press the silence button on bad language, or use a delay to weed out those naughty words during sports broadcasts but doing so would ruin sports. Live sports broadcasts are the last "live" phenomenon on TV and ever since Justin Timberbreast and Janet Jacko Jackson ruined things for everyone we now have to watch sports through the wonderful view of a five-second or longer delay (this is really trippy if you watch the game, but turn down the sound and listen to the radio broadcast; it's like being in a short time warp).

The FCC might be able to silence those athletes or fans that use very colorful language, but if said athletes or fans are caught on camera you'll still be able to figure out what they said by lip reading. What does the FCC take us for a bunch of idiots? In the heat of athletic competition words are going to slip. A swear word here and there isn't going to kill anyone who is watching the broadcast. I mean who wouldn't mutter a little nasty under their breath after striking out with the bases loaded, or throwing an interception during a fourth quarter drive to the goal line. Haven't there been times when you (*gasp* yes you) have used a bad word. I admit I have. I'm trying to stop; especially when I play pick-up hockey on Saturdays (I'm not advocating that you should, I'm just admitting that it does happen).

But to try and cleanse sports broadcasts from these occurences is to rob the general public of the thrill of victory or the agony of defeat. Watching an athlete use a swear word may give us a chance to explain to little Billy (or Jorge, or Kadeem, or Tico) why the athlete said what he said, and when (if ever) is the right time to use such language. I don't know. I guess I'm a little tired of having things censored all the time. I do believe in the censoring of some broadcasts (that's a whole other set of blog posts I could get into), but not when it comes to sport.

I know that .2 of you watched the Stanley Cup Finals but when the Hurricanes were celebrating after their game 7 victory over the Oilers, Ray Whitney exclaimed to his teammates, "F*** yeah boys!!" All this while hoisting the Stanley Cup over his shoulders. It was refreshing. It wasn't a watered down victory speech, or an, "I'm going to Disneyworld" expression, but rather another expression we may not see if the FCC had it's way. I don't know. I'm off my soapbox now. I just think it's interesting to see how people react to great accomplishments or trials especially in sports. If the FCC had it's way, sports watchers would be robbed of the genuine thought (or sometimes lack thereof) of athletes and fans. Okay, NOW I'm done.

Below Story From Reuters.com By Brooks Boliek

WASHINGTON (Hollywood Reporter) - In its continuing crackdown on on-air profanity, the FCC has requested numerous tapes from broadcasters that might include vulgar remarks from unruly spectators, coaches and athletes at live sporting events, industry sources said.

Tapes requested by the commission include live broadcasts of football games and NASCAR races where the participants or the crowds let loose with an expletive. While commission officials refused to talk about its requests, one broadcast company executive said the commission had asked for 30 tapes of live sports and news programs.

"It looks like they want to end live broadcast TV," said one executive, who spoke only on the condition of anonymity. "We already know that they aren't afraid to go after news."

NO SLIPS ALLOWED

While live programming always has been problematic for broadcasters, it has become even more difficult under tougher commission rules approved in 2004. The new rules found that virtually any use of certain expletives will be considered profane and indecent, even if it is a slip of the tongue. In a March decision, the FCC found that the CBS news program "The Early Show" violated its indecency rules because of a profane slip-up but did not issue a fine because the incident occurred before the new rules were instituted.

Live sports -- amateur, college and professional -- have long been a broadcast programming staple. Broadcasters have spent enormous amounts of money and energy to come up with ways to give audiences a better feel for the action. As broadcasters vie for viewers, technical advances that include such things as on-field microphones and in-car cameras have become as important as the announcers.

"I don't know how they are going to rule, but they asked us for tapes with a specific emphasis on crowd noise," said another TV executive, who also requested anonymity. "If some bozo in the crowd calls the ref an asshole, the commission is asking for a copy of the tape."

A live, on-field event -- albeit when no athletes were on the field -- during the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show, when Janet Jackson's breast was accidentally bared, helped reignite Washington's interest in the indecency issue. Since then there has been a highly charged fight at the commission about just how far the commission can go in restricting broadcasts.

OPINION DIVIDED

Broadcasters last week split over whether the commission should be allowed to get one of the premier indecency cases back from the federal court in New York.

In a series of motions filed Friday in federal court in New York, Fox and its affiliate group, CBS and NBC opposed an attempt this week by the FCC to get a key indecency case back from the court.

The commission this month asked the same federal court for more time to consider affiliates' arguments that the agency erred in March when it decided variations of the words "fuck" and "shit" likely are to be indecent whenever broadcast, even if the words are uttered accidentally.

A delay would let affiliates contest the decisions before the commission. The FCC contends that this is a necessary step before arguing in court. The agency said ABC, NBC and CBS affiliates backed its request.

Under federal court rulings and commission rules, material is indecent if it "in context, depicts or describes sexual or excretory activities or organs in a patently offensive manner as measured by contemporary community standards for the broadcast medium." Indecent speech can be aired safely between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m.

Under a new law approved by Congress and signed by President Bush, broadcasters face fines of as much as $325,000 per violation, up from a previous maximum of $32,500.

Reuters/Hollywood Reporter

Apparently Pat Robertson is one of the strongest men in the world...

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. (AP) - Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson says he has leg-pressed 2,000 pounds, but some say he'd be in a pretty tough spot if he tried.

The "700 Club" host's feat of strength is recounted on the Web site of his Christian Broadcasting Network, in a posting headlined "How Pat Robertson Leg Pressed 2,000 Pounds."

According to the CBN Web site, Robertson worked his way up to lifting a ton with the help of his physician, who is not named. The posting does not say when the lift occurred, but a CBN spokeswoman released photos to The Associated Press that she said showed Robertson lifting 2,000 pounds in 2003, when Robertson was 73. He is now 76.

The Web posting said two men loaded the leg-press machine with 2,000 pounds "and then let it down on Mr. Robertson, who pushed it up one rep and let it go back down again." The Web site said several people witnessed the event, and shows video of Robertson leg-pressing what appears to be 1,000 pounds.

Clay Travis of CBS SportsLine.com called the 2,000-pound assertion impossible in a column this week, writing that the leg-press record for football players at Florida State University is 665 pounds less.

"Where in the world did Robertson even find a machine that could hold 2,000 pounds at one time?" Travis asked.

Andy Zucker, a strength-training coach at Old Dominion University in Norfolk, said leg presses of more than 1,000 pounds represent "a Herculean effort, and 2,000 pounds is a whole other story."

"If he was able to lift that much weight, I take my hat off to him, but the numbers suggest that people who lift that much weight are few and far between," Zucker said. "One would have to see what type of leg press it was on and under what parameters it was done."

CBN spokeswoman Angell Vasko said Friday that Robertson was not available for comment because he was "out of pocket" for the long holiday weekend.

Vasko said she has not seen Robertson leg-press 2,000 pounds but that it's not "a huge shocker" that he could.

"Pat is so healthy," she said. "This is something he trained for over an extended period of time. He lives a very healthy, regimented life."

One of the photos Vasko released had a digital date stamp of 1994, although she said Robertson performed the leg press in 2003. Vasko said that perhaps the date was not set properly on the camera.

The CBN Web site attributes Robertson's energy in part to "his age-defying protein shake." The site offers a recipe for the shake, which contains ingredients such as soy protein isolate, whey protein isolate, flaxseed oil and apple cider vinegar. (Taken from APNews)

I saw this story last night on Anderson Cooper's 360 Slamma Jamma Dunk Show on CNN. At first I though "Oh great Pat's at it again; what did he say now". But from the looks of things Pat is a muscle head as well as a televangelist. Who knew? A man of God who can leg press 2,000 pounds??!!! Move over King David, Samson step aside because Pat "I can leg press 2,000 pounds" is in the house!!!

On Anderson's show he had some guy on who was introduced as "Mr. Natural Something Something Something". He was going to leg press 1,000 pounds 10 times. Okay, so he did it. Ten times. 1,000 pounds. On cable TV. It was impressive, though I don't think he brought the weight low enough on the machine. I think he could've gone lower. But whatever.

So Pat has some pictures of his alledged feat. I don't buy it for many reasons. He's over 70 years old trying to leg press over a thousand pounds?! Plus, in the picture above he's got his hands on his knees/lower quads, which means he's cheating. If anyone has ever done leg presses before the cardinal sin is to cheat by using your arms to help your legs push the weight. C'mon Pat!! You'd be disqualified on that alone!

Now don't get me wrong I'm not trying to rain on Pat's parade for trying to be healthy with his protein shakes and leg presses. But if you're going to make some amazing claims you better be ready to back it up. I hardly think Pat has done that. I want an independent organization to weigh the weights. I want someone to check the machine he's using (I don't know of too many leg press machines that can hold that much weight). I want his hands tied behind his back. And he has to take the weight down to a predetermined mark before bringing back up. I want ESPN to be there. Pat, don't just give us pictures and obscure, vague press releases from your people. I want cold hard facts.

Finally, I think Pat does this because he doesn't want the public to forget about him. He wants people to watch the 700 Club. He needs the exposure. I mean hmmmm it is May. It is sweeps month for TV right (at least I think it is; but does that apply for just broadcast TV)? I don't know. I just think it's a huge scam.

Why Russ Springer Deserves His Suspension...

Major League Baseball has issued the following discipline stemming from incidents that occurred in the May 16th game between the San Francisco Giants and the Houston Astros at Houston's Minute Maid Park. Bob Watson, Vice President of On-Field Operations for Major League Baseball, made the announcement. Houston pitcher Russ Springer has been suspended for four games and fined an undisclosed amount for intentionally throwing multiple pitches at San Francisco's Barry Bonds during the top of the fifth inning. Unless appealed, Springer's suspension is scheduled to begin tonight, when the Astros are scheduled to host the Texas Rangers. If appealed, his suspension will be held in abeyance until the process is complete. In addition, Astros manager Phil Garner has been suspended for one game and fined an undisclosed amount for the intentional actions of Springer after warnings had been issued to him earlier during Bonds' at-bat. Garner is scheduled to serve his suspension on Monday, May 22nd, when Houston is scheduled to play at Washington. (MLB.com).

Please hear me out. I'm not trying to call attention to Barry Bonds at all in this blog. I'm a little shocked and frankly upset at how Russ Springer just went after a batter. It's one thing to pitch around someone, or get behind in the count and then just decide to walk him. But Springer's actions on this past Tuesday evening definitely looked like it was an intent to injure.

The first pitched ball in the at-bat to Bonds nearly hit in the high hip/buttocks area. However, due to the speed of the pitch (most likely a breaking ball) Bonds was able to get out of the way. The next pitch was low and inside nearly getting Bonds on the left foot (again he was able to get out of the way). The third pitch was again inside, this time higher near the San Francisco lettering on Bonds' uniform. The pitch was close enough to hit the knob of Bonds' bat. Pitch four. Inside. High. Bonds couldn't avoid it. He turned his shoulder and took the pitch (allegedly clocked at 92 MPH) on the upper right shoulder.

Now the good stuff. After the first pitch in the at-bat Springer was warned by the plate umpire, and also received a nice staredown from Bonds. After the fourth pitch in the at-bat Springer was ejected for throwing at Bonds.

More good stuff, and here's the stuff I can't understand. Why would and why do fans cheer when players get hurt, or something bad happens to them? This is exactly what happened to Bonds. Yes, Bonds is the source of much controversy for "unknowingly" taking steroids and being very close to tying and overtaking Babe Ruth's all-time home run record. But to cheer when he gets hit? What if he got hit in the head? What is the motivation behind such behavior? It happened again when Rasheed Wallace turned his ankle during the Pistons/Cavs playoff game. Yes, Rasheed opened his mouth and made a guarantee that the Cavs wouldn't win again on their home floor drawing the ire of Cavs fans all over the place. But does that mean that you cheer when he's injured?

So the fan says or thinks (speculation of course) I can do whatever I want. I paid my ticket and I'm allowed to boo or curse or do whatever I want to spur my team on to victory. That may be the case. But what does it say about you as a fan? Of course your able to do what you want within reason at a sporting event. However, I think that it shows a lack of class that you can't show some concern for someone who may be injured.

Now on to Russ. My question to you is what were you thinking? If you wanted to walk him (Bonds) then walk him. It was the top of the fifth inning and the score was 11-3 Giants. You can't tell me Russ that you were missing your spots. You were trying to hit him. You could've missed way outside, you could've talked it over with Mike Matheny and did an intentional walk. But the way you went about the whole at-bat was so blatant. I actually credit Bonds with showing restraint and not saying something to Springer or escalating the situation by doing something to provoke him (Springer) or his Astro teammates.

So that's all I really have to say. Springer deserves his suspension. It doesn't matter if he threw at Bonds or another batter (though the fact that it was Bonds makes the whole situation bigger).

Oh and I'm still not a witness.

Jonathan

I Love Mice...

So our property has been breached. Call the NSA, CIA, SWAT teams, Jackie Chan, Charles Bronson (for you old schoolers)...

Apparently the house has been infiltrated by the Meeces. No, not mice. Meeces. For months I've heard the pitter-patter of small rodent feet, but I could never find the point of entry or their dens (or whatever you call them). After some closer inspection I found that they were using the vast duct work in our house to plot their underhanded schemes. BUT as all rodent criminals do they leave a trail that can get them caught.

Last Saturday I was up to my usual chores and one of them involves getting our pool and spa water checked. Upon reaching our basement to get the spa water sample I noticed a small furry creature scurrying around on the floor. With my attention now turned towards the floor I also noticed two other meeces, both of which had passed on into meece eternity.

I toyed with the living meece for a while, chasing it back and forth across the floor. I tried to vacuum it up with the wet/dry vac but the thought of it being sucked into household cleaning oblivion was a little too harsh to fathom. So I left the basement and let the sucker live for a little bit longer...

Fast forward to this past Thursday evening. After dinner with the 'rents my mom noticed that little rodent scampering around the kitchen. I quickly cornered the little varmint between the water cooler and the heating vents that line our fireplace. Finally!! The meece's time had come. I was about to smoteth thee with the right, and left hand as well as left and right elbow strikes followed by an arm bar and then finish things off with a rear naked choke hold. Ummm yeah...the meece had other ideas...

With my left leg blocking a possible escape route near the water cooler, I tried to grab the little Mickey. Again more ideas by the meece...It jumped over my leg and found some temporary shelter underneath our dishwasher. Curses...

But take heart (I'm sure that you have) I had a fullproof plan to end this rodent tyranny. I decided to let some traps do the talking (umm catching rather). The trap of choice is the one with the really sticky substance with some seeds on top that tricks the meeces into walking right on the stickum while trying to get a midnight snack.

Sure enough Friday morning we got our boy (or girl, or it, or whatever). Still alive, but very stuck was the meece. It struggled for freedom but to no avail. My orders from the 'rents were to get rid of the captured varmint. But in an odd way. "Don't throw it away, wait until it dies and then get rid of it." What the dang is the difference? Who knows...

So I took the meece with the trap put it in a plastic garbage bag, tied it up and put it outside. Eventually it would die. I haven't gotten it and thrown it away yet. It's Sunday. 7:18pm. Think the meece is still alive? Hmmm. My dad asked me today after church if I was using this meece as an example for all future meeces who try and enter our home. No not really, but actually that's not a bad idea... Is PETA gonna come after me? Eh...Who cares...

Tater Tot Thieves

Before I begin I'd just like to say that due to the subject matter of this blog I have become quite hungry.

A little over a month ago I was blessed enough to be in the great state of Illinois and in the great city of Chicago. I spent one night at a friend's apartment and the following morning there was a consensus to make breakfast. But this wouldn't be just any breakfast, oh no! This was going to be a breakfast of mass proportions.

It had already been a wonderful start to my small vacation and to cook breakfast with friends would be even better. However, a huge crime would be committed in the kitchen.

As the scrambled eggs umm scrambled and the turkey and pork sausage sizzled (oh the sights and sounds of food; I love it), some little greedy fingers decided they would hold some crispy brown tater tots hostage. When the fingers and the owners of those fingers were called out on their theft, the fingers quickly did away with the evidence. Poor tots, they didn't even know it was coming. Those small, warm, crispy pieces of potato goodness just gone (I know it's a fragmentdeal with it). Just gone down the digestive tracts of those thieves...oh the humanity. L.O. remind me to spank your fingers when I see you next. S.L.Y. did you take some too? I can't recall...

If those greedy little hungry fingers and mouths left the tater tots alone we most likely wouldn't have had to empty the rest of the bag to cook their cousins, uncles, brothers and sisters. Oh, the many tears I've shed since that morning

Ahhhnow the memories are flooding back to me!! Mornings in SAGA. Eating those beautifully little nuggets. I used to take my extras and dip half of them in ketchup and the other half in mustard and act as if the Lakers were playing the Bulls. Ummm okay maybe I didn't do that, but it would've been funny.

Why this fixation with tater tots? Because I read this story yesterday.

"Teen Shot in Fight Over Tater Tots

A teenager was shot Monday afternoon after he was arguing over tater tots with another teen, San Antonio Police said.

The shooting happened close to 5 p.m. at the Spring Hill Apartments off Raybon on the northeast side.

Neighbors told police the uncle of one of the boys told the teens to stop fighting. They were ready to stop, but investigators said a 20-year-old man would not let them.

"Another person out here in this apartment complex, I think wanted to see the young boys continue fighting," Sgt. Rudy Cran with SAPD said.

The man then walked into a nearby apartment complex, grabbed a gun and started shooting, authorities said. He fired several shots into the living room where the boys were watching television, police said.

"One of those rounds hit the young man in the back," Cran said.

The boy was rushed to University Hospital, officials said. His condition was unavailable Monday night.

The suspect remained on the loose Monday. Police were looking for him."

Here's my first set of questions. Who shoots someone because of a fight relating to tater tots? I mean where the two kids fighting over the taste difference between Ore-Ida and organic tater tots (by the way does anyone know if organic tater tots exist)? Did someone want extra crispy tots as opposed to softer tots?

Here's my second set of questions. What did the shooter have to gain from the fight? Is he a fight promoter and the kids who were fighting were part of his title bout? Was he siding with the one kid he didn't shoot over the kid he did shoot? Is there some kind of tater tot shortage in San Antonio and so he felt if he shot one of the kids he might get more for himself? Hmmm. Perhaps there is something wrong with Texas in general? I think the oil down there has gone to everyone's head

Bubbles Used To Be My Stripper Name...

"RIVERSIDE, Calif. - Heather Veitch is not your typical evangelical Christian.

The 31-year-old married mother of two visits one strip club a month, paying for lap dances so she can talk to the strippers about God.

The Web site for the ministry she formed with two other women JC's Girls Girls Girls features glamour shots of the three that were taken by a porn film director.

The three attend porn conventions, where they pass out Bibles wrapped in T-shirts that read Holy Hottie.

Veitch's approach is based on experience: In the 1990s, she worked as a stripper and, she says, acted in a handful of soft porn movies. She plays up her sex appeal because adult industry workers relate to that, she said.

"I understand the culture of these girls. They respect that," said Veitch, whose work has received national and international media coverage.

In a posting on the ministry's Web site, Veitch said she was a successful Las Vegas stripper but inwardly feared that her lifestyle was a ticket to hell.

She began attending church, became a Christian, went to beauty school and got married. A year ago, she began reaching out to sex industry workers.

She has an ally in Matt Brown, her pastor at Sandals Church of Riverside. The 1,700-member Southern Baptist congregation is contributing $50,000 to her ministry this year.

"What good would it do to send the 'church lady' to an erotica convention?" Brown said. "She's going to get laughed out of the building."

Veitch said she doesn't keep track of how many strippers they successfully reach. Ultimately, she and Brown hope to offer alternatives, such as college scholarships, to women in the sex industry. But Veitch doesn't think the women should have to quit their jobs before entering a church.

"What we say to that is, 'Do we ask gluttons to stop eating too much before they come to church?' " Veitch said. "Sin is sin."

Her ministry partners include a part-time first grade teacher and a stay-at-home mother.
On the 'Net: http://jcsgirls.com/ "

I guess my first reaction to this was one of shock, which quickly turned to amusement. But not amusement in the sense that I find this woman's new found calling laughable but rather, wow, this is really taking place and why shouldn't it?! When I was in college some of my friends and I had a running joke that we would start a clubbing ministry for those clubgoers in the city of Chicago. (The joke was born due to the fact that the college we attended had a no dancing policy. Yeah, I know, I know...but at least they changed it now...sort of.) So maybe my amusement was also because of my recollection of that joke. But THEN in talking to another friend the other day, she said that at her college they actually HAD a clubbing ministry! I just find it absolutely amazing how the Lord can put us in situations where we can minister for him! Which leads me to my next thoughts...

This woman was a stripper who came to know the Lord and now she's trying to spread the gospel to others in the adult entertainment industry. It shouldn't be a big deal, but I bet there are some Christians who might think what she's doing isn't the greatest idea. But why isn't it? Jesus was a friend to the tax collectors and the prostitutes; they needed to hear his message too. If anyone knows the sub-culture of the adult entertainment industry it would be her. And like her pastor said to send a "church woman" or someone who doesn't know anything about that industry to evangelize maybe not be the best course of action.

And though I wouldn't be the right fit to minister to adult entertainers, I could very much minister to the guys that I play with. At times I have. I invited some of the guys I play with to come to my baptism and also invited them to our church's Christmas concert. I pray for them. There have been limited times when I've been able to share my faith, but I guess the best way to show Christ sometimes is by how we act. So maybe in my actions I can be a witness as well. As exciting as the opportunity is, I'm still a bit daunted. It's not easy knowing how, or the "right" way to witness (if there is such a thing). But I'm still looking for the Lord to use me.

In the end I am in awe of how God uses us. We come from all different backgrounds, have different passions and desires, and live in different worlds. Yet he still knows where he wants us to be; where he feels that we will be the most effective for him. I think that's what I struggle with the most right now. I don't see his plan at all. I want to, I really do, and I pray about it daily but sometimes this answers don't come right away. I mean, I like being here and I'm content with my situation sometimes (well maybe a little less then sometimes) but it's far from where I want to be...But stories like these strengthen my faith because ultimately the story is saying that God can use his followers however he wants, in whatever situation for the glory of his kingdom.

October 7, 2003 The Jonathan Clause Issue #9

Good morning ladies and gentlemen,

I don’t normally listen to NPR (National Public Radio), but last Thursday, I was able to listen an interview with Mariane Pearl in my brother and sister-in-law’s kitchen. Ms. Pearl was being interviewed about her book entitled, “A Mighty Heart: The Brave Life and Death of My Husband, Danny Pearl”. Daniel Pearl was a reporter for The Wall Street Journal before being kidnapped and killed in Pakistan on January 23, 2002.

As I listened to the interview, I couldn’t help but notice how composed and solid Ms. Pearl was. She seemed to answer each question with a serious, straightforward, and compelling approach, which gave her a great deal of on-air credibility. I was left quite amazed by how she handled herself, under the circumstances from which she has come from. Later that afternoon, I came to a radio station while driving that was speaking of Ms. Pearl in contrast to some of the contestants on ABC’s The Bachelor. The two female broadcasters were also amazed at Ms. Pearl’s character and her strength and rebuked the behavior and philosophies of the contestants on The Bachelor. They (the broadcasters) asked how they could become more like Ms. Pearl, in the way that she handled and conducted herself.

This past Monday, The New York Times ran an article written by Julie Salamon in their Arts section devoted to Ms. Pearl. In her attempt to tell her husband’s life and death, she didn’t want to sentimentalize her situation, her book or her husband’s story. Ms. Pearl states, “Even before Danny died people were trying to reach me every which way, and they were already doing the weeping widow thing…My sole purpose in getting to the media was to try and reach Danny’s captors in Pakistan. People were trying to coach me to look even more pregnant and weepy. It was bizarre.” Ms. Pearl in no way wanted to simplify or dumb down the events that she has lived through during and after her husband’s kidnap.

Unfortunately, the media has a way of doing exactly that. At certain times the use of sound bites and video clips fails to adequately capture the reality of a trying situation. For example, I find it appalling that Pfc. Jessica Lynch gained so much attention from the media after her rescue from an Iraqi hospital. Yes, her story is amazing, but to try and pump her up to celebrity status (which is what some media outlets wanted to do) is to take advantage of her situation for marketing purposes and the coveted exclusive interview or scoop. Ms. Lynch was also not the only member of our country’s armed forces that was rescued; and what about the families of those who lost their lives during battle? Show me a “ripped from the headlines” episode of a television drama and I’ll show you a group of writers and producers who had the creative and imaginative sections of their brains sucked out by a Bissell vacuum cleaner. We are bombarded with news at a dizzy pace through instant Internet access, and twenty-four hour newscasts. We don’t need the same stories retold through the fictional eyes of a television series. We should stand up against the sugarcoating; Mickey-Mouse version of news stories that we see every night on T.V.

It seems that Ms. Pearl is trying to do this by delicately avoiding all that could be detrimental to her and her husband’s story, while still partaking in, “the media waltz” (Ms. Pearl’s take on her many appearances). I applaud her for this effort. There are more compelling and meaningful stories in the world than whether or not J.Lo and Ben are getting married – find some!!

Jonathan

October 2, 2003 The Jonathan Clause Issue #8

Good morning ladies and gentlemen,

What a great time for a special edition of the Jonathan Clause! I couldn’t have timed it better myself. As you are well aware, the sweltering heat of summer has given way to the early morning frosts of autumn. Major League Baseball is going through similar changes with the marathon of a 162 game season bowing to the pageantry of post-season play. Why am I worried about the playoffs? Well normally I wouldn’t be (the Indians won’t be there anytime soon, and my allegiances really do belong to the NHL playoffs), but I have two new teams to root for. I’m glad the Chicago Cubs and Boston Red Sox have made it to the post-season dance. Over my four years in the Chicagoland area for college, I began to admire the Cubs from afar. Now that they have an outstanding pitching staff and sluggers like Sammy and Moises, I’m expecting big things. How did I become a Red Sox fan? Glad you asked, in fact it’s the reason why this special edition is being written.

On September 15th, Joe Castiglione one of the Red Sox broadcasters for WEEI radio in Boston called our home. Mr. Castiglione was a member of Cleveland’s media with WKYC TV as well as being a radio broadcaster for the Indians. It was during this time that Mr. Castiglione began a friendship with my father that has lasted for over twenty years. He wanted to let my father know the team was coming into town and that hopefully they could get together for lunch or dinner. He inquired about what I had been doing since graduation and I told him of my desire to write and find a career in journalism. He then invited me to watch the Indians game from the broadcast booth.

I called him back on Thursday (September 18th) to let Mr. Castiglione know that I wanted to partake is this great experience. We made plans to meet down at Jacob’s Field (where the Indians under perform), and I was to pick up a media credential to gain access to the clubhouse, broadcast booth and dugout.

Friday finally came, but I didn’t reach the stadium without incident. A banking mess up (my own personal miscalculation) and a traffic accident (overturned semi-truck) pushed my arrival time with Mr. Castiglione back about a half and hour. Once I reached the media gate at the stadium some security personnel asked me for a form of identification (I tried my NRA card, but they were looking for my driver’s license). I asked for directions to the field and was directed to go down a service ramp that leads to the bowels of the massive structure. A long corridor stretches around the stadium that usually isn’t seen by the paying public (unless you have one of those fancy dugout suites). I made my way through the corridor being passed by modified golf carts and motorized dollies carrying anything from hamburger buns to workers trying to get from one end of the stadium to another. I was quite familiar with this part of the stadium. About twice a year, my father would speak for the Indians chapel and the chapel for the opposing team. We usually came through the player’s parking lot, but due to security concerns, things have drastically changed. This was also the first time I had been to the ballpark on my own.

I reached the Red Sox clubhouse and showed the security guard there my media credential. I told him that I was meeting with Joe Castiglione and he directed me where to go. I felt like I was meeting some important dignitary or on some special top-secret mission. Now I was in very familiar territory. I bypassed the clubhouse, manager’s office, and laundry room and went down two flights of stairs that would lead me to the opposing team’s dugout. I passed through another hallway that housed some batting cages and up a few stairs to the dugout. Here’s where things got interesting.

It had just dawned on me that it had been quite a while since I had seen Mr. Castiglione. In fact, I couldn’t remember the last time I saw him and now on top of being late I’d probably walk right past the person who had enabled me to get down here in the first place! As I reached the dugout, I passed a couple players, and media personnel who were just sitting and talking. In the middle of the dugout sat Mr. Castiglione (I’m sure I had a quizzical look on my face). Whew! It worked out perfectly. I sat next to him, said hello, shook his hand and we began a little conversation. Normally, one of the teams would be on the field taking batting practice, doing stretching and throwing long toss. But the remnants of Hurricane Isabel had brought about sixteen hours of rain to the Cleveland area, which thwarted any idea of on field activities until the game. The sky was quite dark for around 4:45 pm in the afternoon. Mr. Castiglione had told me during our phone conversation on Thursday that he would be conducting the general manager’s interview (with Theo Epstein) around this time (4:30 or 4:45).

The show is scheduled to take place every game either by phone or with Theo showing up in person. Now most of you may not know this but Theo Epstein is the youngest general manager in the history of Major League Baseball. Not only is he the youngest general manager, he’s probably one of the smartest; he graduated from Yale with a degree in American studies and received his law degree from the University of San Diego. For some reason I thought that, the interview would be something elaborate. In reality, it’s a relaxed conversation that goes on between two people. Mr. Castiglione asked Theo for some clarification on some topics that he want to delve into during the interview. I tried to be as businesslike as possible meeting writers and broadcasters from Boston’s media and some of the other New England media that cover the Red Sox. It was hard at times not to be a deer in the headlights, just looking out at the field and being amazed that I was in the position that I was in. One of the beat writers that I met wrote for a newspaper out of Providence, Rhode Island (if my memory serves correctly). His undergraduate degree was in political science, which gave me some hope. I also had the opportunity to meet Bob Hohler, who is one of the writers for the Boston Globe. He was a writer on White House affairs for some time before covering the Red Sox. He told me that I should get in contact with the sports editor for the Globe, Don Skwar (which I did do).

By this time, Mr. Castiglione and I were in the booth. I had the opportunity of meeting Mr. Castiglione’s broadcast partner, Jerry Trupiano, Dick (not sure, if he was the producer, or just the radio control person) and Dick’s granddaughter Kelly (It could end in i). She attends Mount Union as a freshman cross-country athlete. The broadcast booths in Jacob’s field are two-tiered. They’re what?! The lower level (closest to the field) is meant for the broadcasters, with an in house television monitor (for replays), and huge windows that open and close (that’s what windows do) during inclement weather. Each game brings loads and loads of stats, which are given to each broadcaster in the form of game notes. Before the game, Mr. Castiglione took each packet (he called them reams of paper; they WERE a lot) and started to highlight different stats, player profiles, and other tidbits that he could use during the game. This information was then Scotch taped to the aforementioned window for quick reference.

Dinner was next on the itinerary. Jacob’s field has a mini cafeteria (Wheaton students it DOES NOT rival the monster that is…SAGA), but the food was good nonetheless. Mr. Castiglione again held conversation about siblings, children, and other things. It was about ten minutes to game time before we went back into the booth. OH! I forgot the second tier of the booth! Is where the producer/control person sat, along with Kelly (or i) and I. The view from the broadcast booth is something to behold. Seats that wore only green paint now have collected a warm human body for three hours (well in the Indians case about 20,000 seats got the night off). The field that is so meticulously taken care of by the grounds crew was getting ready to be torn, spit upon, and kicked by multi-millionaires in tights wearing oversized leather gloves. Strange game baseball…

I can already see it now. You’ve been sitting at the computer for three hours reading this and your eyes have glazed over. I’m quite sorry, but that’s how real events are recounted. I’ll get to the game next week (yes, in another special edition). Don’t fret, the J.C. is just like Law & Order, you have to wait a week to see the new episodes (unless you have cable and view the older episodes in syndication). Until next week!!

Jonathan

September 30, 2003 The Jonathan Clause Issue #7

Good morning ladies and gentlemen,

Welcome to another breath-taking edition of the Jonathan Clause. The editors, reporters and producers of this fine production are back from a one-week vacation. We apologize to our faithful readers, we hope to never let you down again.

After watching a recent broadcast of the WGN Afternoon News, I was tickled (not by a feather to the nostril or ear or by a finger to the ribs or feet) but by a story documenting the rising number of construction deaths on Illinois highways and tollways. Now before you go click on the "reply" button or give me a ring on my cell phone to tell me how uncaring and disgusting I am (because I'm not), please listen to the story itself. Reporters at times can be very amusing and empty-headed people (can't we all?) this is their story.

Around twenty-four road workers have lost their lives due to drivers who speed through construction zones this year. We've all been through them, the endless lines of orange barrels, using the shoulder as a makeshift lane, and concrete barriers that seem a little too close for comfort while driving at sixty miles per hour. On I - 90 (The Skyway) Chicago Police have put up at least three or four speed detection devices to let motorists know that they may be traveling too fast in a construction zone. You've seen them on residential streets and on highways, they have the speed limit sign bolted on a mobile radar device that flashes your speed on an enlarged LED screen.

The news reporter handling the story interviewed a road worker who said that the only way motorists would slow down was if a state trooper was around the construction area. Then the broadcast switches to a live shot of the reporter with camera crew right on the Skyway. Were they safely behind the concrete barrier, which I spoke of earlier while cars, SUVs and semi-trucks rumbled by? Of course not!! This guy is trying to put Peter Jennings or even better Dan Rather on permanent retirement leave! He decides that standing as close as he can to an open traffic lane, while getting a daring camera angle of the traffic speeding past these mobile radar devices will boost his career. No, actually it may help him (rather his family) speed up the process of a will and funeral arrangements.

Laws have been put in place that require motorists on highways to change lanes or slow down when approaching an accident scene, disabled vehicle or a traffic stop by the police. There have been accidents that detail what happens when these laws are not followed (police cruisers being demolished by drivers who don't heed these laws). With that being the case, why would a reporter put himself in a very dangerous position that may possibly endanger his life and the lives of his crew? Maybe his mother forgot to tell him to stay out of the street when he was a boy. It baffles and amuses me at the same time. You would think that people get the picture, but during Hurricane Isabel, it was much of the same behavior.

Due to my unemployed state, I was able to watch a great deal of Hurricane Isabel coverage in the comfort of our family compound. Updates of the storm seemed to take place every thirty seconds on every news channel (local and cable). The most compelling bit of coverage that I found came from The New York Times. They had a front-page satellite picture of the storm heading towards the Carolina coast. It was a massive picture (a pinwheel with a small hole in the center). At one point, the circumference of the storm was around 300 to 350 miles long, that's roughly the distance between Chicago and Cleveland. I was quite amazed. But local and cable news reporters felt that as the storm reached shore it needed to be covered no matter what the cost. Absolutely ridiculous. Reporters standing on the beach, flooded streets, and piers felt they were on their way to reporting stardom. Look out Katie Couric and Matt Lauer, Jimmy from WETT is the new star after his stellar hurricane coverage!

What propelled him to stardom? It wasn't standing in the storm surge created by Isabel, nor was it facing the pounding, horizontal rain. It was being blown forty feet down the street after miscalculating how fast Isabel's winds were blowing (This actually happened on the national evening news)!! Though his live update was cut off the air, he still reported the news of Isabel's destruction albeit his audience now consisted of flying roof tiles, downed power lines, and the occasional crab that fastened itself to Jimmy's arm. What a harrowing moment! What courage!! What fortitude!!! What stupidity!!!!

Don't get me wrong I totally understand that reporters are going to have to bring the tough and dangerous stories to the people, but I do believe that there are situations that require a little common sense in reporting also. That means don't go to the mouth of the active volcano, don't report from the great white shark tank without the safety of a steel cage, and PLEASE don't go to the bullfights expecting to get a post-ride interview with a bull that just maimed three riders!

The Jonathan Clause is getting its act together. There WILL be a special edition this week entitled, "Baseball Beantown Style In Cleveland". Have a great day, and mention us to your friends, family, co-workers, hair stylists, mechanics, clergy, babysitters, senators, state representatives, girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, pets, automobiles, UPS men (and women), Tico and Pico Jaarrtz, the list is endless...oh and Jimmy and WETT were fictional (at least to my limited knowledge). If this is your first J.C., would you want back issues? Let me Know!

Jonathan

September 16, 2003 The Jonathan Clause Issue #6

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen,

Imagine attending a military funeral and being moved to tears by a bugler's performance of Taps. After the funeral, you approach the bugler to tell them what a wonderful job they did, only you find out that the bugler never played at all and taps was actually performed by a digital device housed inside the bell of the bugle. Would you be upset? Would the event still hold the same meaning for you?

In today's edition of The New York Times, I read a story written by James Dao that surprised me. I was always under the assumption that all military funerals would have taps performed by a bugler (this assumption after watching numerous military funerals in movies). Unfortunately, this is not the case. In fact, many military funerals use CD players and boom boxes playing a recorded version of taps due to a dwindling amount of buglers. The Pentagon in cooperation with S & D Consulting International is producing a digital device that can fit inside the bell of a bugle and play a recorded version of taps. The "bugler" may not even be a bugler, all they have to do is stand with the bugle up to their lips and press the "on" button to start the device. No experienced buglers are necessary for this job. Dao's story states that funerals for veterans are rising, and that number cannot be met by the smaller number of buglers who are left in the United States. Hence the production of the bugle digital device. Many veterans are happier with the new technology of putting the device inside the bugle, rather than having a boom box or CD player fail due to inclement weather.

Purists and musicians aren't quite pleased, because there is nothing like having someone actually perform taps instead of a digital device. I happen to agree with the purists. I played the clarinet for eight years and I can't fathom "faking" a performance while a electronic device actually did the work. To me, this is the equivalent of lip-syncing for vocalists. The whole idea of having taps played by an electronic device takes away from the emotional aspect of the event.

Dao also reports that steps have been made to form a bugle group across the United States and to encourage brass instrument makers to produce high-quality bugles. A retired marine stated, "The machine (bugle device) is like wearing vinyl instead of leather. When I die, I want someone who can play with soul."

What do YOU think? Should the Pentagon try and find more buglers or should they continue "watering down" funerals for veterans by producing this device?

Jonathan

September 9, 2003 The Jonathan Clause #5

Good afternoon ladies and gentleman,

The J.C. is back in Ohio after a wonderful vacation in Chicago. It has come to my attention that some readers have been incorrectly referring to the J.C. as the "Jonathan Chronicles". Fortunately, I can correct those who have been misled. The J.C. stands for the Jonathan Clause. It has also come to my attention through some readers that my last edition was a little weak. I do remember saying that I would take requests from people for story ideas, but since this has not happened, I know reserve the right to write about what ever I want to. I stick my tongue out at all my critics (in a playful, friendly manner of course)!

Compulsive shopper? Buying a one-way plane ticket? Get ready to the visit the federal authorities, the next time you decide to travel by air!! The Washington Post has reported (September 9th) that a new screening system modeled after the terror alert color system (ya know, yellow=elevated...) will be put in place to weed out those air travelers that may have terrorism on their minds. How will this be done? Sara Kehaulani Goo's report states, "Passengers will be assigned a color code -- green, yellow or red -- based in part on their city of departure, destination, traveling companions and date of ticket purchase. Most people will be coded green and sail through. However, up to 8 percent of passengers who board the nation's 26,000 daily flights will be coded "yellow" and will undergo additional screening at the checkpoint, according to people familiar with the program. An estimated 1 to 2 percent will be labeled "red" and will be prohibited from boarding. These passengers also will face police questioning and may be arrested." Are they serious you ask? I am afraid so.

The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has flown into a little turbulence (get it? turbulence...hahahaha) in attempting to test their screening process, entitled CAPS II. The liberals and conservatives are beginning to vent on this issue. Ms. Goo continues, "Under the new program, the airline will send information about everyone who books a flight to the TSA, including full name, home address, home telephone number, date of birth and travel itinerary. If the computer system identifies a threat, the TSA will notify federal or local law enforcement authorities. The agency has not indicated the number or type of personnel needed to oversee the program. The TSA will check each passenger in two steps. The first will match the passenger's name and information against databases of private companies that collect information on people for commercial reasons, such as their shopping habits. This process will generate a numerical score that will indicate the likelihood that the passenger is who he says he is. Passengers will not be informed of their color code or their numerical score. The second step matches passenger information against government intelligence combined with local and state outstanding warrants for violent felonies." This is a definite recipe for disaster. How do I know? The ACLU is already put their half-a-cent (no NOT 50 Cent) opinion in, so look for this to be a very interesting debate along political lines. In fact, here is a fictional portrayal of how the new CAPS II system will work...

Instead of informing shoppers of sales or new store openings, stores are going to have to tell shoppers to scale back their next trip to the grocery store or mall. "Attention Wal-Mart, Sam's Club, and or Costco shoppers! Those who buy in bulk, beware!! That twenty pack of paper towels may push you from green status to red status the next time you fly!" Imagine going to the airline ticket counter and being denied access to a flight because you bought a new toothbrush and deodorant for the upcoming trip. "But I needed that stuff, and it's a seven hour flight!!" you explain to the airline personnel. She exclaims, "Well, I'm sorry sir, but our records show that your infrequent buying habits of these materials puts the rest of the passengers in jeopardy!" Or how about this one. "Sir, I'm sorry but you have been removed from the flight because you bought an excessive amount of diapers." The weary and now angered traveler shouts, "Are you serious?!! That's all they had was the forty pack of Huggies!! They were out of everything else! My kid needed those diapers; it was two in the morning!!" How about this one. "I'm sorry sir but that last trip to McDonald's put you into the red category." "But I only had a number 4!! How could this happen, I AM innocent." "Sir, you may THINK you're innocent but nobody told you to supersize the meal!" People will be afraid to buy anything because they may have their face on the eleven o'clock news as a terror suspect the next time they fly. Instead of getting rewards for buying items and products, now "valued customers" may be looked at as "possible terror threats".

Well that's all I have. Have a wonderful rest of your day.

Jonathan

P.S.

And remember, that late night run to Steak N'Shake or Denny's may catch up to you in more ways than one. Instead of gaining that extra five pounds, you may be carrying five pounds...in handcuffs, legcuffs, and electronic bracelets. You may think that dress in Nordstrom's would look good on you, but just remember that bright orange jumpsuits never go out of style.