Tuesday, September 30, 2003

September 30, 2003 The Jonathan Clause Issue #7

Good morning ladies and gentlemen,

Welcome to another breath-taking edition of the Jonathan Clause. The editors, reporters and producers of this fine production are back from a one-week vacation. We apologize to our faithful readers, we hope to never let you down again.

After watching a recent broadcast of the WGN Afternoon News, I was tickled (not by a feather to the nostril or ear or by a finger to the ribs or feet) but by a story documenting the rising number of construction deaths on Illinois highways and tollways. Now before you go click on the "reply" button or give me a ring on my cell phone to tell me how uncaring and disgusting I am (because I'm not), please listen to the story itself. Reporters at times can be very amusing and empty-headed people (can't we all?) this is their story.

Around twenty-four road workers have lost their lives due to drivers who speed through construction zones this year. We've all been through them, the endless lines of orange barrels, using the shoulder as a makeshift lane, and concrete barriers that seem a little too close for comfort while driving at sixty miles per hour. On I - 90 (The Skyway) Chicago Police have put up at least three or four speed detection devices to let motorists know that they may be traveling too fast in a construction zone. You've seen them on residential streets and on highways, they have the speed limit sign bolted on a mobile radar device that flashes your speed on an enlarged LED screen.

The news reporter handling the story interviewed a road worker who said that the only way motorists would slow down was if a state trooper was around the construction area. Then the broadcast switches to a live shot of the reporter with camera crew right on the Skyway. Were they safely behind the concrete barrier, which I spoke of earlier while cars, SUVs and semi-trucks rumbled by? Of course not!! This guy is trying to put Peter Jennings or even better Dan Rather on permanent retirement leave! He decides that standing as close as he can to an open traffic lane, while getting a daring camera angle of the traffic speeding past these mobile radar devices will boost his career. No, actually it may help him (rather his family) speed up the process of a will and funeral arrangements.

Laws have been put in place that require motorists on highways to change lanes or slow down when approaching an accident scene, disabled vehicle or a traffic stop by the police. There have been accidents that detail what happens when these laws are not followed (police cruisers being demolished by drivers who don't heed these laws). With that being the case, why would a reporter put himself in a very dangerous position that may possibly endanger his life and the lives of his crew? Maybe his mother forgot to tell him to stay out of the street when he was a boy. It baffles and amuses me at the same time. You would think that people get the picture, but during Hurricane Isabel, it was much of the same behavior.

Due to my unemployed state, I was able to watch a great deal of Hurricane Isabel coverage in the comfort of our family compound. Updates of the storm seemed to take place every thirty seconds on every news channel (local and cable). The most compelling bit of coverage that I found came from The New York Times. They had a front-page satellite picture of the storm heading towards the Carolina coast. It was a massive picture (a pinwheel with a small hole in the center). At one point, the circumference of the storm was around 300 to 350 miles long, that's roughly the distance between Chicago and Cleveland. I was quite amazed. But local and cable news reporters felt that as the storm reached shore it needed to be covered no matter what the cost. Absolutely ridiculous. Reporters standing on the beach, flooded streets, and piers felt they were on their way to reporting stardom. Look out Katie Couric and Matt Lauer, Jimmy from WETT is the new star after his stellar hurricane coverage!

What propelled him to stardom? It wasn't standing in the storm surge created by Isabel, nor was it facing the pounding, horizontal rain. It was being blown forty feet down the street after miscalculating how fast Isabel's winds were blowing (This actually happened on the national evening news)!! Though his live update was cut off the air, he still reported the news of Isabel's destruction albeit his audience now consisted of flying roof tiles, downed power lines, and the occasional crab that fastened itself to Jimmy's arm. What a harrowing moment! What courage!! What fortitude!!! What stupidity!!!!

Don't get me wrong I totally understand that reporters are going to have to bring the tough and dangerous stories to the people, but I do believe that there are situations that require a little common sense in reporting also. That means don't go to the mouth of the active volcano, don't report from the great white shark tank without the safety of a steel cage, and PLEASE don't go to the bullfights expecting to get a post-ride interview with a bull that just maimed three riders!

The Jonathan Clause is getting its act together. There WILL be a special edition this week entitled, "Baseball Beantown Style In Cleveland". Have a great day, and mention us to your friends, family, co-workers, hair stylists, mechanics, clergy, babysitters, senators, state representatives, girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, pets, automobiles, UPS men (and women), Tico and Pico Jaarrtz, the list is endless...oh and Jimmy and WETT were fictional (at least to my limited knowledge). If this is your first J.C., would you want back issues? Let me Know!

Jonathan

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

September 16, 2003 The Jonathan Clause Issue #6

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen,

Imagine attending a military funeral and being moved to tears by a bugler's performance of Taps. After the funeral, you approach the bugler to tell them what a wonderful job they did, only you find out that the bugler never played at all and taps was actually performed by a digital device housed inside the bell of the bugle. Would you be upset? Would the event still hold the same meaning for you?

In today's edition of The New York Times, I read a story written by James Dao that surprised me. I was always under the assumption that all military funerals would have taps performed by a bugler (this assumption after watching numerous military funerals in movies). Unfortunately, this is not the case. In fact, many military funerals use CD players and boom boxes playing a recorded version of taps due to a dwindling amount of buglers. The Pentagon in cooperation with S & D Consulting International is producing a digital device that can fit inside the bell of a bugle and play a recorded version of taps. The "bugler" may not even be a bugler, all they have to do is stand with the bugle up to their lips and press the "on" button to start the device. No experienced buglers are necessary for this job. Dao's story states that funerals for veterans are rising, and that number cannot be met by the smaller number of buglers who are left in the United States. Hence the production of the bugle digital device. Many veterans are happier with the new technology of putting the device inside the bugle, rather than having a boom box or CD player fail due to inclement weather.

Purists and musicians aren't quite pleased, because there is nothing like having someone actually perform taps instead of a digital device. I happen to agree with the purists. I played the clarinet for eight years and I can't fathom "faking" a performance while a electronic device actually did the work. To me, this is the equivalent of lip-syncing for vocalists. The whole idea of having taps played by an electronic device takes away from the emotional aspect of the event.

Dao also reports that steps have been made to form a bugle group across the United States and to encourage brass instrument makers to produce high-quality bugles. A retired marine stated, "The machine (bugle device) is like wearing vinyl instead of leather. When I die, I want someone who can play with soul."

What do YOU think? Should the Pentagon try and find more buglers or should they continue "watering down" funerals for veterans by producing this device?

Jonathan

Tuesday, September 9, 2003

September 9, 2003 The Jonathan Clause #5

Good afternoon ladies and gentleman,

The J.C. is back in Ohio after a wonderful vacation in Chicago. It has come to my attention that some readers have been incorrectly referring to the J.C. as the "Jonathan Chronicles". Fortunately, I can correct those who have been misled. The J.C. stands for the Jonathan Clause. It has also come to my attention through some readers that my last edition was a little weak. I do remember saying that I would take requests from people for story ideas, but since this has not happened, I know reserve the right to write about what ever I want to. I stick my tongue out at all my critics (in a playful, friendly manner of course)!

Compulsive shopper? Buying a one-way plane ticket? Get ready to the visit the federal authorities, the next time you decide to travel by air!! The Washington Post has reported (September 9th) that a new screening system modeled after the terror alert color system (ya know, yellow=elevated...) will be put in place to weed out those air travelers that may have terrorism on their minds. How will this be done? Sara Kehaulani Goo's report states, "Passengers will be assigned a color code -- green, yellow or red -- based in part on their city of departure, destination, traveling companions and date of ticket purchase. Most people will be coded green and sail through. However, up to 8 percent of passengers who board the nation's 26,000 daily flights will be coded "yellow" and will undergo additional screening at the checkpoint, according to people familiar with the program. An estimated 1 to 2 percent will be labeled "red" and will be prohibited from boarding. These passengers also will face police questioning and may be arrested." Are they serious you ask? I am afraid so.

The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has flown into a little turbulence (get it? turbulence...hahahaha) in attempting to test their screening process, entitled CAPS II. The liberals and conservatives are beginning to vent on this issue. Ms. Goo continues, "Under the new program, the airline will send information about everyone who books a flight to the TSA, including full name, home address, home telephone number, date of birth and travel itinerary. If the computer system identifies a threat, the TSA will notify federal or local law enforcement authorities. The agency has not indicated the number or type of personnel needed to oversee the program. The TSA will check each passenger in two steps. The first will match the passenger's name and information against databases of private companies that collect information on people for commercial reasons, such as their shopping habits. This process will generate a numerical score that will indicate the likelihood that the passenger is who he says he is. Passengers will not be informed of their color code or their numerical score. The second step matches passenger information against government intelligence combined with local and state outstanding warrants for violent felonies." This is a definite recipe for disaster. How do I know? The ACLU is already put their half-a-cent (no NOT 50 Cent) opinion in, so look for this to be a very interesting debate along political lines. In fact, here is a fictional portrayal of how the new CAPS II system will work...

Instead of informing shoppers of sales or new store openings, stores are going to have to tell shoppers to scale back their next trip to the grocery store or mall. "Attention Wal-Mart, Sam's Club, and or Costco shoppers! Those who buy in bulk, beware!! That twenty pack of paper towels may push you from green status to red status the next time you fly!" Imagine going to the airline ticket counter and being denied access to a flight because you bought a new toothbrush and deodorant for the upcoming trip. "But I needed that stuff, and it's a seven hour flight!!" you explain to the airline personnel. She exclaims, "Well, I'm sorry sir, but our records show that your infrequent buying habits of these materials puts the rest of the passengers in jeopardy!" Or how about this one. "Sir, I'm sorry but you have been removed from the flight because you bought an excessive amount of diapers." The weary and now angered traveler shouts, "Are you serious?!! That's all they had was the forty pack of Huggies!! They were out of everything else! My kid needed those diapers; it was two in the morning!!" How about this one. "I'm sorry sir but that last trip to McDonald's put you into the red category." "But I only had a number 4!! How could this happen, I AM innocent." "Sir, you may THINK you're innocent but nobody told you to supersize the meal!" People will be afraid to buy anything because they may have their face on the eleven o'clock news as a terror suspect the next time they fly. Instead of getting rewards for buying items and products, now "valued customers" may be looked at as "possible terror threats".

Well that's all I have. Have a wonderful rest of your day.

Jonathan

P.S.

And remember, that late night run to Steak N'Shake or Denny's may catch up to you in more ways than one. Instead of gaining that extra five pounds, you may be carrying five pounds...in handcuffs, legcuffs, and electronic bracelets. You may think that dress in Nordstrom's would look good on you, but just remember that bright orange jumpsuits never go out of style.

Tuesday, September 2, 2003

September 2, 2003 The Jonathan Clause Issue #4

Hello ladies and gentlemen,

Yes, the JC is still on the road, but it will soon return to the great state of Ohio!! I apologize to all my faithful readers who were expecting a special edition a couple weeks ago. Due to a lack of resources, the JC was unable to produce a special edition. I would like to expand the number of readers that the JC has, so if you know of anyone who knows how to read please send their email address to me, so the JC may brighten their day. It has also come to my attention (through some faithful readers) that I do not have some of the correct email addresses for some particular readers, and I would also like to correct this wrong.

Throughout my fours years in the Chicago-land area, I have taken numerous automobile trips on Interstate 290 (aka The Eisenhower Expressway). For the most part, it can be guaranteed that traffic congestion will provide commuters with a slower ETA to their destination than they expected. This could not have been more true last evening.

I proceeded to enter the expressway last night at approximately 8 o'clock p.m. Traffic at this point in time was moving considerably well, despite the fact that it was Labor Day. Unfortunately, my commute to Wheaton would be slowed by almost forty-five minutes due to a major traffic accident that closed both east and west bound lanes of the Eisenhower near the Manheim Street exit (a busy street that some travelers take to O'Hare Airport). Traffic came to a standstill about a half a mile away from the accident scene. The temperature at the time was about 65 degrees, but the heat waves from the seemingly endless line of metal, gas, and rubber gave the illusion that it was warmer than it was supposed to be. Through the waves, I could see people getting out of their cars, trucks and semis trying to get a better view of the carnage that was ahead. A helicopter soon hovered close to the accident scene, but it's final descent was swallowed up by the long line of vehicles in front of me.

A couple of Hispanic teenagers got out of a car behind me and crossed the concrete median to attempting to get a better view than the one they previously had. They looked like a young superhero combo. Both wore white headbands, with brightly colored t-shirts and shorts. One of the teenagers who carried a great deal of body weight walked patiently back and forth on the deserted road while his smaller and skinnier counterpart walked atop the concrete barrier to make up for his lack of height. In the furthermost left hand lane, an Asian family had caught my attention in a Lexus SUV. They felt the best way to view the action would be through their sunroof. A small black, shimmery head of hair peeked out of the top of the sunroof; the owner of that hair was a young boy most likely no older than six. His older sister (maybe an age of nine or ten) decided to try her luck at the sunroof. She soon disappeared into the comfort of tan leather and tinted windows, but their jack-in-the-box routine wasn't finished. The father wanted his turn and squeezed his semi-muscular girth through the sunroof. A truck driver who had earlier let me merge into his lane hopped out of his cab to try and view the accident. His attempts were by far the most surprising. He began to walk towards the scene with some kind of black object in his right hand. At first, I thought it was a cell phone, but he soon put the object to his face. After a closer investigation, I realized the object was not a cell phone but a pair of binoculars! Another motorist took up conversation with binocular-man and amused himself by picking up a toy gun that was left on the left berm of the expressway.

On the right berm, impatient motorists who had the luxury of being the right hand lane of the expressway began to slowly back up and head to an off ramp about 500 feet away. A steady stream of rear car bumpers illuminated with white lights moved towards the exit. Around 8:40 pm, the line of cars began to move forward. People who were breaking their necks to see the wrecked metal and rescue efforts jumped back in their cars. As I approached the scene, I took note of an overpass that looked as if it was holding not just passing vehicles but curious spectators. I was amazed to see that the line of individuals spanned the length of the overpass. Like the flying insects that excitedly fly around a bright spotlight on a warm summer night, these people also seemed to be drawn by the bright spotlights housed on top of the fire trucks and road department vehicles, not to mention the accident scene itself.

The traffic began to move with a little more speed thanks to the road flares and police officers who herded the mass of vehicles towards the next off ramp. I was now able to clearly see the helicopter, which I had previously lost sight off, sitting comfortably on a makeshift expressway/airstrip 200 feet in front of me. The traffic moved so quickly that the accident scene was soon behind me. I never really did get a good glimpse of the accident itself, because the traffic movement began to pick up. On my way back to Oak Park later that evening the only remnants of the accident were a section of decimated guardrail about ten feet in length, which was missing and a large collection of metal debris embedded in the grass on the median. Without those clues, no one would know without looking at the scene that a major accident had taken place hours before.

I guess that last night was just one of those adventures in people watching. What did I do besides watch the other motorists? I called my brother to see if the accident was on the news, and my sis-in-law gave me a radio station to check out that gave traffic info. The station gave me the news I already knew from my observation; both lanes of the Eisenhower near Manheim were closed due to an accident, a helicopter is on the scene. I popped in some Pink Floyd and just sat back and relaxed, until I passed the scene.

Well that's it, yeah, I know it's long, but it was good I hope?!

Jonathan