Good morning ladies and gentlemen,
I don’t normally listen to NPR (National Public Radio), but last Thursday, I was able to listen an interview with Mariane Pearl in my brother and sister-in-law’s kitchen. Ms. Pearl was being interviewed about her book entitled, “A Mighty Heart: The Brave Life and Death of My Husband, Danny Pearl”. Daniel Pearl was a reporter for The Wall Street Journal before being kidnapped and killed in Pakistan on January 23, 2002.
As I listened to the interview, I couldn’t help but notice how composed and solid Ms. Pearl was. She seemed to answer each question with a serious, straightforward, and compelling approach, which gave her a great deal of on-air credibility. I was left quite amazed by how she handled herself, under the circumstances from which she has come from. Later that afternoon, I came to a radio station while driving that was speaking of Ms. Pearl in contrast to some of the contestants on ABC’s The Bachelor. The two female broadcasters were also amazed at Ms. Pearl’s character and her strength and rebuked the behavior and philosophies of the contestants on The Bachelor. They (the broadcasters) asked how they could become more like Ms. Pearl, in the way that she handled and conducted herself.
This past Monday, The New York Times ran an article written by Julie Salamon in their Arts section devoted to Ms. Pearl. In her attempt to tell her husband’s life and death, she didn’t want to sentimentalize her situation, her book or her husband’s story. Ms. Pearl states, “Even before Danny died people were trying to reach me every which way, and they were already doing the weeping widow thing…My sole purpose in getting to the media was to try and reach Danny’s captors in Pakistan. People were trying to coach me to look even more pregnant and weepy. It was bizarre.” Ms. Pearl in no way wanted to simplify or dumb down the events that she has lived through during and after her husband’s kidnap.
Unfortunately, the media has a way of doing exactly that. At certain times the use of sound bites and video clips fails to adequately capture the reality of a trying situation. For example, I find it appalling that Pfc. Jessica Lynch gained so much attention from the media after her rescue from an Iraqi hospital. Yes, her story is amazing, but to try and pump her up to celebrity status (which is what some media outlets wanted to do) is to take advantage of her situation for marketing purposes and the coveted exclusive interview or scoop. Ms. Lynch was also not the only member of our country’s armed forces that was rescued; and what about the families of those who lost their lives during battle? Show me a “ripped from the headlines” episode of a television drama and I’ll show you a group of writers and producers who had the creative and imaginative sections of their brains sucked out by a Bissell vacuum cleaner. We are bombarded with news at a dizzy pace through instant Internet access, and twenty-four hour newscasts. We don’t need the same stories retold through the fictional eyes of a television series. We should stand up against the sugarcoating; Mickey-Mouse version of news stories that we see every night on T.V.
It seems that Ms. Pearl is trying to do this by delicately avoiding all that could be detrimental to her and her husband’s story, while still partaking in, “the media waltz” (Ms. Pearl’s take on her many appearances). I applaud her for this effort. There are more compelling and meaningful stories in the world than whether or not J.Lo and Ben are getting married – find some!!
Jonathan
Tuesday, October 7, 2003
Thursday, October 2, 2003
October 2, 2003 The Jonathan Clause Issue #8
Good morning ladies and gentlemen,
What a great time for a special edition of the Jonathan Clause! I couldn’t have timed it better myself. As you are well aware, the sweltering heat of summer has given way to the early morning frosts of autumn. Major League Baseball is going through similar changes with the marathon of a 162 game season bowing to the pageantry of post-season play. Why am I worried about the playoffs? Well normally I wouldn’t be (the Indians won’t be there anytime soon, and my allegiances really do belong to the NHL playoffs), but I have two new teams to root for. I’m glad the Chicago Cubs and Boston Red Sox have made it to the post-season dance. Over my four years in the Chicagoland area for college, I began to admire the Cubs from afar. Now that they have an outstanding pitching staff and sluggers like Sammy and Moises, I’m expecting big things. How did I become a Red Sox fan? Glad you asked, in fact it’s the reason why this special edition is being written.
On September 15th, Joe Castiglione one of the Red Sox broadcasters for WEEI radio in Boston called our home. Mr. Castiglione was a member of Cleveland’s media with WKYC TV as well as being a radio broadcaster for the Indians. It was during this time that Mr. Castiglione began a friendship with my father that has lasted for over twenty years. He wanted to let my father know the team was coming into town and that hopefully they could get together for lunch or dinner. He inquired about what I had been doing since graduation and I told him of my desire to write and find a career in journalism. He then invited me to watch the Indians game from the broadcast booth.
I called him back on Thursday (September 18th) to let Mr. Castiglione know that I wanted to partake is this great experience. We made plans to meet down at Jacob’s Field (where the Indians under perform), and I was to pick up a media credential to gain access to the clubhouse, broadcast booth and dugout.
Friday finally came, but I didn’t reach the stadium without incident. A banking mess up (my own personal miscalculation) and a traffic accident (overturned semi-truck) pushed my arrival time with Mr. Castiglione back about a half and hour. Once I reached the media gate at the stadium some security personnel asked me for a form of identification (I tried my NRA card, but they were looking for my driver’s license). I asked for directions to the field and was directed to go down a service ramp that leads to the bowels of the massive structure. A long corridor stretches around the stadium that usually isn’t seen by the paying public (unless you have one of those fancy dugout suites). I made my way through the corridor being passed by modified golf carts and motorized dollies carrying anything from hamburger buns to workers trying to get from one end of the stadium to another. I was quite familiar with this part of the stadium. About twice a year, my father would speak for the Indians chapel and the chapel for the opposing team. We usually came through the player’s parking lot, but due to security concerns, things have drastically changed. This was also the first time I had been to the ballpark on my own.
I reached the Red Sox clubhouse and showed the security guard there my media credential. I told him that I was meeting with Joe Castiglione and he directed me where to go. I felt like I was meeting some important dignitary or on some special top-secret mission. Now I was in very familiar territory. I bypassed the clubhouse, manager’s office, and laundry room and went down two flights of stairs that would lead me to the opposing team’s dugout. I passed through another hallway that housed some batting cages and up a few stairs to the dugout. Here’s where things got interesting.
It had just dawned on me that it had been quite a while since I had seen Mr. Castiglione. In fact, I couldn’t remember the last time I saw him and now on top of being late I’d probably walk right past the person who had enabled me to get down here in the first place! As I reached the dugout, I passed a couple players, and media personnel who were just sitting and talking. In the middle of the dugout sat Mr. Castiglione (I’m sure I had a quizzical look on my face). Whew! It worked out perfectly. I sat next to him, said hello, shook his hand and we began a little conversation. Normally, one of the teams would be on the field taking batting practice, doing stretching and throwing long toss. But the remnants of Hurricane Isabel had brought about sixteen hours of rain to the Cleveland area, which thwarted any idea of on field activities until the game. The sky was quite dark for around 4:45 pm in the afternoon. Mr. Castiglione had told me during our phone conversation on Thursday that he would be conducting the general manager’s interview (with Theo Epstein) around this time (4:30 or 4:45).
The show is scheduled to take place every game either by phone or with Theo showing up in person. Now most of you may not know this but Theo Epstein is the youngest general manager in the history of Major League Baseball. Not only is he the youngest general manager, he’s probably one of the smartest; he graduated from Yale with a degree in American studies and received his law degree from the University of San Diego. For some reason I thought that, the interview would be something elaborate. In reality, it’s a relaxed conversation that goes on between two people. Mr. Castiglione asked Theo for some clarification on some topics that he want to delve into during the interview. I tried to be as businesslike as possible meeting writers and broadcasters from Boston’s media and some of the other New England media that cover the Red Sox. It was hard at times not to be a deer in the headlights, just looking out at the field and being amazed that I was in the position that I was in. One of the beat writers that I met wrote for a newspaper out of Providence, Rhode Island (if my memory serves correctly). His undergraduate degree was in political science, which gave me some hope. I also had the opportunity to meet Bob Hohler, who is one of the writers for the Boston Globe. He was a writer on White House affairs for some time before covering the Red Sox. He told me that I should get in contact with the sports editor for the Globe, Don Skwar (which I did do).
By this time, Mr. Castiglione and I were in the booth. I had the opportunity of meeting Mr. Castiglione’s broadcast partner, Jerry Trupiano, Dick (not sure, if he was the producer, or just the radio control person) and Dick’s granddaughter Kelly (It could end in i). She attends Mount Union as a freshman cross-country athlete. The broadcast booths in Jacob’s field are two-tiered. They’re what?! The lower level (closest to the field) is meant for the broadcasters, with an in house television monitor (for replays), and huge windows that open and close (that’s what windows do) during inclement weather. Each game brings loads and loads of stats, which are given to each broadcaster in the form of game notes. Before the game, Mr. Castiglione took each packet (he called them reams of paper; they WERE a lot) and started to highlight different stats, player profiles, and other tidbits that he could use during the game. This information was then Scotch taped to the aforementioned window for quick reference.
Dinner was next on the itinerary. Jacob’s field has a mini cafeteria (Wheaton students it DOES NOT rival the monster that is…SAGA), but the food was good nonetheless. Mr. Castiglione again held conversation about siblings, children, and other things. It was about ten minutes to game time before we went back into the booth. OH! I forgot the second tier of the booth! Is where the producer/control person sat, along with Kelly (or i) and I. The view from the broadcast booth is something to behold. Seats that wore only green paint now have collected a warm human body for three hours (well in the Indians case about 20,000 seats got the night off). The field that is so meticulously taken care of by the grounds crew was getting ready to be torn, spit upon, and kicked by multi-millionaires in tights wearing oversized leather gloves. Strange game baseball…
I can already see it now. You’ve been sitting at the computer for three hours reading this and your eyes have glazed over. I’m quite sorry, but that’s how real events are recounted. I’ll get to the game next week (yes, in another special edition). Don’t fret, the J.C. is just like Law & Order, you have to wait a week to see the new episodes (unless you have cable and view the older episodes in syndication). Until next week!!
Jonathan
What a great time for a special edition of the Jonathan Clause! I couldn’t have timed it better myself. As you are well aware, the sweltering heat of summer has given way to the early morning frosts of autumn. Major League Baseball is going through similar changes with the marathon of a 162 game season bowing to the pageantry of post-season play. Why am I worried about the playoffs? Well normally I wouldn’t be (the Indians won’t be there anytime soon, and my allegiances really do belong to the NHL playoffs), but I have two new teams to root for. I’m glad the Chicago Cubs and Boston Red Sox have made it to the post-season dance. Over my four years in the Chicagoland area for college, I began to admire the Cubs from afar. Now that they have an outstanding pitching staff and sluggers like Sammy and Moises, I’m expecting big things. How did I become a Red Sox fan? Glad you asked, in fact it’s the reason why this special edition is being written.
On September 15th, Joe Castiglione one of the Red Sox broadcasters for WEEI radio in Boston called our home. Mr. Castiglione was a member of Cleveland’s media with WKYC TV as well as being a radio broadcaster for the Indians. It was during this time that Mr. Castiglione began a friendship with my father that has lasted for over twenty years. He wanted to let my father know the team was coming into town and that hopefully they could get together for lunch or dinner. He inquired about what I had been doing since graduation and I told him of my desire to write and find a career in journalism. He then invited me to watch the Indians game from the broadcast booth.
I called him back on Thursday (September 18th) to let Mr. Castiglione know that I wanted to partake is this great experience. We made plans to meet down at Jacob’s Field (where the Indians under perform), and I was to pick up a media credential to gain access to the clubhouse, broadcast booth and dugout.
Friday finally came, but I didn’t reach the stadium without incident. A banking mess up (my own personal miscalculation) and a traffic accident (overturned semi-truck) pushed my arrival time with Mr. Castiglione back about a half and hour. Once I reached the media gate at the stadium some security personnel asked me for a form of identification (I tried my NRA card, but they were looking for my driver’s license). I asked for directions to the field and was directed to go down a service ramp that leads to the bowels of the massive structure. A long corridor stretches around the stadium that usually isn’t seen by the paying public (unless you have one of those fancy dugout suites). I made my way through the corridor being passed by modified golf carts and motorized dollies carrying anything from hamburger buns to workers trying to get from one end of the stadium to another. I was quite familiar with this part of the stadium. About twice a year, my father would speak for the Indians chapel and the chapel for the opposing team. We usually came through the player’s parking lot, but due to security concerns, things have drastically changed. This was also the first time I had been to the ballpark on my own.
I reached the Red Sox clubhouse and showed the security guard there my media credential. I told him that I was meeting with Joe Castiglione and he directed me where to go. I felt like I was meeting some important dignitary or on some special top-secret mission. Now I was in very familiar territory. I bypassed the clubhouse, manager’s office, and laundry room and went down two flights of stairs that would lead me to the opposing team’s dugout. I passed through another hallway that housed some batting cages and up a few stairs to the dugout. Here’s where things got interesting.
It had just dawned on me that it had been quite a while since I had seen Mr. Castiglione. In fact, I couldn’t remember the last time I saw him and now on top of being late I’d probably walk right past the person who had enabled me to get down here in the first place! As I reached the dugout, I passed a couple players, and media personnel who were just sitting and talking. In the middle of the dugout sat Mr. Castiglione (I’m sure I had a quizzical look on my face). Whew! It worked out perfectly. I sat next to him, said hello, shook his hand and we began a little conversation. Normally, one of the teams would be on the field taking batting practice, doing stretching and throwing long toss. But the remnants of Hurricane Isabel had brought about sixteen hours of rain to the Cleveland area, which thwarted any idea of on field activities until the game. The sky was quite dark for around 4:45 pm in the afternoon. Mr. Castiglione had told me during our phone conversation on Thursday that he would be conducting the general manager’s interview (with Theo Epstein) around this time (4:30 or 4:45).
The show is scheduled to take place every game either by phone or with Theo showing up in person. Now most of you may not know this but Theo Epstein is the youngest general manager in the history of Major League Baseball. Not only is he the youngest general manager, he’s probably one of the smartest; he graduated from Yale with a degree in American studies and received his law degree from the University of San Diego. For some reason I thought that, the interview would be something elaborate. In reality, it’s a relaxed conversation that goes on between two people. Mr. Castiglione asked Theo for some clarification on some topics that he want to delve into during the interview. I tried to be as businesslike as possible meeting writers and broadcasters from Boston’s media and some of the other New England media that cover the Red Sox. It was hard at times not to be a deer in the headlights, just looking out at the field and being amazed that I was in the position that I was in. One of the beat writers that I met wrote for a newspaper out of Providence, Rhode Island (if my memory serves correctly). His undergraduate degree was in political science, which gave me some hope. I also had the opportunity to meet Bob Hohler, who is one of the writers for the Boston Globe. He was a writer on White House affairs for some time before covering the Red Sox. He told me that I should get in contact with the sports editor for the Globe, Don Skwar (which I did do).
By this time, Mr. Castiglione and I were in the booth. I had the opportunity of meeting Mr. Castiglione’s broadcast partner, Jerry Trupiano, Dick (not sure, if he was the producer, or just the radio control person) and Dick’s granddaughter Kelly (It could end in i). She attends Mount Union as a freshman cross-country athlete. The broadcast booths in Jacob’s field are two-tiered. They’re what?! The lower level (closest to the field) is meant for the broadcasters, with an in house television monitor (for replays), and huge windows that open and close (that’s what windows do) during inclement weather. Each game brings loads and loads of stats, which are given to each broadcaster in the form of game notes. Before the game, Mr. Castiglione took each packet (he called them reams of paper; they WERE a lot) and started to highlight different stats, player profiles, and other tidbits that he could use during the game. This information was then Scotch taped to the aforementioned window for quick reference.
Dinner was next on the itinerary. Jacob’s field has a mini cafeteria (Wheaton students it DOES NOT rival the monster that is…SAGA), but the food was good nonetheless. Mr. Castiglione again held conversation about siblings, children, and other things. It was about ten minutes to game time before we went back into the booth. OH! I forgot the second tier of the booth! Is where the producer/control person sat, along with Kelly (or i) and I. The view from the broadcast booth is something to behold. Seats that wore only green paint now have collected a warm human body for three hours (well in the Indians case about 20,000 seats got the night off). The field that is so meticulously taken care of by the grounds crew was getting ready to be torn, spit upon, and kicked by multi-millionaires in tights wearing oversized leather gloves. Strange game baseball…
I can already see it now. You’ve been sitting at the computer for three hours reading this and your eyes have glazed over. I’m quite sorry, but that’s how real events are recounted. I’ll get to the game next week (yes, in another special edition). Don’t fret, the J.C. is just like Law & Order, you have to wait a week to see the new episodes (unless you have cable and view the older episodes in syndication). Until next week!!
Jonathan
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
September 30, 2003 The Jonathan Clause Issue #7
Good morning ladies and gentlemen,
Welcome to another breath-taking edition of the Jonathan Clause. The editors, reporters and producers of this fine production are back from a one-week vacation. We apologize to our faithful readers, we hope to never let you down again.
After watching a recent broadcast of the WGN Afternoon News, I was tickled (not by a feather to the nostril or ear or by a finger to the ribs or feet) but by a story documenting the rising number of construction deaths on Illinois highways and tollways. Now before you go click on the "reply" button or give me a ring on my cell phone to tell me how uncaring and disgusting I am (because I'm not), please listen to the story itself. Reporters at times can be very amusing and empty-headed people (can't we all?) this is their story.
Around twenty-four road workers have lost their lives due to drivers who speed through construction zones this year. We've all been through them, the endless lines of orange barrels, using the shoulder as a makeshift lane, and concrete barriers that seem a little too close for comfort while driving at sixty miles per hour. On I - 90 (The Skyway) Chicago Police have put up at least three or four speed detection devices to let motorists know that they may be traveling too fast in a construction zone. You've seen them on residential streets and on highways, they have the speed limit sign bolted on a mobile radar device that flashes your speed on an enlarged LED screen.
The news reporter handling the story interviewed a road worker who said that the only way motorists would slow down was if a state trooper was around the construction area. Then the broadcast switches to a live shot of the reporter with camera crew right on the Skyway. Were they safely behind the concrete barrier, which I spoke of earlier while cars, SUVs and semi-trucks rumbled by? Of course not!! This guy is trying to put Peter Jennings or even better Dan Rather on permanent retirement leave! He decides that standing as close as he can to an open traffic lane, while getting a daring camera angle of the traffic speeding past these mobile radar devices will boost his career. No, actually it may help him (rather his family) speed up the process of a will and funeral arrangements.
Laws have been put in place that require motorists on highways to change lanes or slow down when approaching an accident scene, disabled vehicle or a traffic stop by the police. There have been accidents that detail what happens when these laws are not followed (police cruisers being demolished by drivers who don't heed these laws). With that being the case, why would a reporter put himself in a very dangerous position that may possibly endanger his life and the lives of his crew? Maybe his mother forgot to tell him to stay out of the street when he was a boy. It baffles and amuses me at the same time. You would think that people get the picture, but during Hurricane Isabel, it was much of the same behavior.
Due to my unemployed state, I was able to watch a great deal of Hurricane Isabel coverage in the comfort of our family compound. Updates of the storm seemed to take place every thirty seconds on every news channel (local and cable). The most compelling bit of coverage that I found came from The New York Times. They had a front-page satellite picture of the storm heading towards the Carolina coast. It was a massive picture (a pinwheel with a small hole in the center). At one point, the circumference of the storm was around 300 to 350 miles long, that's roughly the distance between Chicago and Cleveland. I was quite amazed. But local and cable news reporters felt that as the storm reached shore it needed to be covered no matter what the cost. Absolutely ridiculous. Reporters standing on the beach, flooded streets, and piers felt they were on their way to reporting stardom. Look out Katie Couric and Matt Lauer, Jimmy from WETT is the new star after his stellar hurricane coverage!
What propelled him to stardom? It wasn't standing in the storm surge created by Isabel, nor was it facing the pounding, horizontal rain. It was being blown forty feet down the street after miscalculating how fast Isabel's winds were blowing (This actually happened on the national evening news)!! Though his live update was cut off the air, he still reported the news of Isabel's destruction albeit his audience now consisted of flying roof tiles, downed power lines, and the occasional crab that fastened itself to Jimmy's arm. What a harrowing moment! What courage!! What fortitude!!! What stupidity!!!!
Don't get me wrong I totally understand that reporters are going to have to bring the tough and dangerous stories to the people, but I do believe that there are situations that require a little common sense in reporting also. That means don't go to the mouth of the active volcano, don't report from the great white shark tank without the safety of a steel cage, and PLEASE don't go to the bullfights expecting to get a post-ride interview with a bull that just maimed three riders!
The Jonathan Clause is getting its act together. There WILL be a special edition this week entitled, "Baseball Beantown Style In Cleveland". Have a great day, and mention us to your friends, family, co-workers, hair stylists, mechanics, clergy, babysitters, senators, state representatives, girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, pets, automobiles, UPS men (and women), Tico and Pico Jaarrtz, the list is endless...oh and Jimmy and WETT were fictional (at least to my limited knowledge). If this is your first J.C., would you want back issues? Let me Know!
Jonathan
Welcome to another breath-taking edition of the Jonathan Clause. The editors, reporters and producers of this fine production are back from a one-week vacation. We apologize to our faithful readers, we hope to never let you down again.
After watching a recent broadcast of the WGN Afternoon News, I was tickled (not by a feather to the nostril or ear or by a finger to the ribs or feet) but by a story documenting the rising number of construction deaths on Illinois highways and tollways. Now before you go click on the "reply" button or give me a ring on my cell phone to tell me how uncaring and disgusting I am (because I'm not), please listen to the story itself. Reporters at times can be very amusing and empty-headed people (can't we all?) this is their story.
Around twenty-four road workers have lost their lives due to drivers who speed through construction zones this year. We've all been through them, the endless lines of orange barrels, using the shoulder as a makeshift lane, and concrete barriers that seem a little too close for comfort while driving at sixty miles per hour. On I - 90 (The Skyway) Chicago Police have put up at least three or four speed detection devices to let motorists know that they may be traveling too fast in a construction zone. You've seen them on residential streets and on highways, they have the speed limit sign bolted on a mobile radar device that flashes your speed on an enlarged LED screen.
The news reporter handling the story interviewed a road worker who said that the only way motorists would slow down was if a state trooper was around the construction area. Then the broadcast switches to a live shot of the reporter with camera crew right on the Skyway. Were they safely behind the concrete barrier, which I spoke of earlier while cars, SUVs and semi-trucks rumbled by? Of course not!! This guy is trying to put Peter Jennings or even better Dan Rather on permanent retirement leave! He decides that standing as close as he can to an open traffic lane, while getting a daring camera angle of the traffic speeding past these mobile radar devices will boost his career. No, actually it may help him (rather his family) speed up the process of a will and funeral arrangements.
Laws have been put in place that require motorists on highways to change lanes or slow down when approaching an accident scene, disabled vehicle or a traffic stop by the police. There have been accidents that detail what happens when these laws are not followed (police cruisers being demolished by drivers who don't heed these laws). With that being the case, why would a reporter put himself in a very dangerous position that may possibly endanger his life and the lives of his crew? Maybe his mother forgot to tell him to stay out of the street when he was a boy. It baffles and amuses me at the same time. You would think that people get the picture, but during Hurricane Isabel, it was much of the same behavior.
Due to my unemployed state, I was able to watch a great deal of Hurricane Isabel coverage in the comfort of our family compound. Updates of the storm seemed to take place every thirty seconds on every news channel (local and cable). The most compelling bit of coverage that I found came from The New York Times. They had a front-page satellite picture of the storm heading towards the Carolina coast. It was a massive picture (a pinwheel with a small hole in the center). At one point, the circumference of the storm was around 300 to 350 miles long, that's roughly the distance between Chicago and Cleveland. I was quite amazed. But local and cable news reporters felt that as the storm reached shore it needed to be covered no matter what the cost. Absolutely ridiculous. Reporters standing on the beach, flooded streets, and piers felt they were on their way to reporting stardom. Look out Katie Couric and Matt Lauer, Jimmy from WETT is the new star after his stellar hurricane coverage!
What propelled him to stardom? It wasn't standing in the storm surge created by Isabel, nor was it facing the pounding, horizontal rain. It was being blown forty feet down the street after miscalculating how fast Isabel's winds were blowing (This actually happened on the national evening news)!! Though his live update was cut off the air, he still reported the news of Isabel's destruction albeit his audience now consisted of flying roof tiles, downed power lines, and the occasional crab that fastened itself to Jimmy's arm. What a harrowing moment! What courage!! What fortitude!!! What stupidity!!!!
Don't get me wrong I totally understand that reporters are going to have to bring the tough and dangerous stories to the people, but I do believe that there are situations that require a little common sense in reporting also. That means don't go to the mouth of the active volcano, don't report from the great white shark tank without the safety of a steel cage, and PLEASE don't go to the bullfights expecting to get a post-ride interview with a bull that just maimed three riders!
The Jonathan Clause is getting its act together. There WILL be a special edition this week entitled, "Baseball Beantown Style In Cleveland". Have a great day, and mention us to your friends, family, co-workers, hair stylists, mechanics, clergy, babysitters, senators, state representatives, girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, pets, automobiles, UPS men (and women), Tico and Pico Jaarrtz, the list is endless...oh and Jimmy and WETT were fictional (at least to my limited knowledge). If this is your first J.C., would you want back issues? Let me Know!
Jonathan
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
September 16, 2003 The Jonathan Clause Issue #6
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen,
Imagine attending a military funeral and being moved to tears by a bugler's performance of Taps. After the funeral, you approach the bugler to tell them what a wonderful job they did, only you find out that the bugler never played at all and taps was actually performed by a digital device housed inside the bell of the bugle. Would you be upset? Would the event still hold the same meaning for you?
In today's edition of The New York Times, I read a story written by James Dao that surprised me. I was always under the assumption that all military funerals would have taps performed by a bugler (this assumption after watching numerous military funerals in movies). Unfortunately, this is not the case. In fact, many military funerals use CD players and boom boxes playing a recorded version of taps due to a dwindling amount of buglers. The Pentagon in cooperation with S & D Consulting International is producing a digital device that can fit inside the bell of a bugle and play a recorded version of taps. The "bugler" may not even be a bugler, all they have to do is stand with the bugle up to their lips and press the "on" button to start the device. No experienced buglers are necessary for this job. Dao's story states that funerals for veterans are rising, and that number cannot be met by the smaller number of buglers who are left in the United States. Hence the production of the bugle digital device. Many veterans are happier with the new technology of putting the device inside the bugle, rather than having a boom box or CD player fail due to inclement weather.
Purists and musicians aren't quite pleased, because there is nothing like having someone actually perform taps instead of a digital device. I happen to agree with the purists. I played the clarinet for eight years and I can't fathom "faking" a performance while a electronic device actually did the work. To me, this is the equivalent of lip-syncing for vocalists. The whole idea of having taps played by an electronic device takes away from the emotional aspect of the event.
Dao also reports that steps have been made to form a bugle group across the United States and to encourage brass instrument makers to produce high-quality bugles. A retired marine stated, "The machine (bugle device) is like wearing vinyl instead of leather. When I die, I want someone who can play with soul."
What do YOU think? Should the Pentagon try and find more buglers or should they continue "watering down" funerals for veterans by producing this device?
Jonathan
Imagine attending a military funeral and being moved to tears by a bugler's performance of Taps. After the funeral, you approach the bugler to tell them what a wonderful job they did, only you find out that the bugler never played at all and taps was actually performed by a digital device housed inside the bell of the bugle. Would you be upset? Would the event still hold the same meaning for you?
In today's edition of The New York Times, I read a story written by James Dao that surprised me. I was always under the assumption that all military funerals would have taps performed by a bugler (this assumption after watching numerous military funerals in movies). Unfortunately, this is not the case. In fact, many military funerals use CD players and boom boxes playing a recorded version of taps due to a dwindling amount of buglers. The Pentagon in cooperation with S & D Consulting International is producing a digital device that can fit inside the bell of a bugle and play a recorded version of taps. The "bugler" may not even be a bugler, all they have to do is stand with the bugle up to their lips and press the "on" button to start the device. No experienced buglers are necessary for this job. Dao's story states that funerals for veterans are rising, and that number cannot be met by the smaller number of buglers who are left in the United States. Hence the production of the bugle digital device. Many veterans are happier with the new technology of putting the device inside the bugle, rather than having a boom box or CD player fail due to inclement weather.
Purists and musicians aren't quite pleased, because there is nothing like having someone actually perform taps instead of a digital device. I happen to agree with the purists. I played the clarinet for eight years and I can't fathom "faking" a performance while a electronic device actually did the work. To me, this is the equivalent of lip-syncing for vocalists. The whole idea of having taps played by an electronic device takes away from the emotional aspect of the event.
Dao also reports that steps have been made to form a bugle group across the United States and to encourage brass instrument makers to produce high-quality bugles. A retired marine stated, "The machine (bugle device) is like wearing vinyl instead of leather. When I die, I want someone who can play with soul."
What do YOU think? Should the Pentagon try and find more buglers or should they continue "watering down" funerals for veterans by producing this device?
Jonathan
Tuesday, September 9, 2003
September 9, 2003 The Jonathan Clause #5
Good afternoon ladies and gentleman,
The J.C. is back in Ohio after a wonderful vacation in Chicago. It has come to my attention that some readers have been incorrectly referring to the J.C. as the "Jonathan Chronicles". Fortunately, I can correct those who have been misled. The J.C. stands for the Jonathan Clause. It has also come to my attention through some readers that my last edition was a little weak. I do remember saying that I would take requests from people for story ideas, but since this has not happened, I know reserve the right to write about what ever I want to. I stick my tongue out at all my critics (in a playful, friendly manner of course)!
Compulsive shopper? Buying a one-way plane ticket? Get ready to the visit the federal authorities, the next time you decide to travel by air!! The Washington Post has reported (September 9th) that a new screening system modeled after the terror alert color system (ya know, yellow=elevated...) will be put in place to weed out those air travelers that may have terrorism on their minds. How will this be done? Sara Kehaulani Goo's report states, "Passengers will be assigned a color code -- green, yellow or red -- based in part on their city of departure, destination, traveling companions and date of ticket purchase. Most people will be coded green and sail through. However, up to 8 percent of passengers who board the nation's 26,000 daily flights will be coded "yellow" and will undergo additional screening at the checkpoint, according to people familiar with the program. An estimated 1 to 2 percent will be labeled "red" and will be prohibited from boarding. These passengers also will face police questioning and may be arrested." Are they serious you ask? I am afraid so.
The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has flown into a little turbulence (get it? turbulence...hahahaha) in attempting to test their screening process, entitled CAPS II. The liberals and conservatives are beginning to vent on this issue. Ms. Goo continues, "Under the new program, the airline will send information about everyone who books a flight to the TSA, including full name, home address, home telephone number, date of birth and travel itinerary. If the computer system identifies a threat, the TSA will notify federal or local law enforcement authorities. The agency has not indicated the number or type of personnel needed to oversee the program. The TSA will check each passenger in two steps. The first will match the passenger's name and information against databases of private companies that collect information on people for commercial reasons, such as their shopping habits. This process will generate a numerical score that will indicate the likelihood that the passenger is who he says he is. Passengers will not be informed of their color code or their numerical score. The second step matches passenger information against government intelligence combined with local and state outstanding warrants for violent felonies." This is a definite recipe for disaster. How do I know? The ACLU is already put their half-a-cent (no NOT 50 Cent) opinion in, so look for this to be a very interesting debate along political lines. In fact, here is a fictional portrayal of how the new CAPS II system will work...
Instead of informing shoppers of sales or new store openings, stores are going to have to tell shoppers to scale back their next trip to the grocery store or mall. "Attention Wal-Mart, Sam's Club, and or Costco shoppers! Those who buy in bulk, beware!! That twenty pack of paper towels may push you from green status to red status the next time you fly!" Imagine going to the airline ticket counter and being denied access to a flight because you bought a new toothbrush and deodorant for the upcoming trip. "But I needed that stuff, and it's a seven hour flight!!" you explain to the airline personnel. She exclaims, "Well, I'm sorry sir, but our records show that your infrequent buying habits of these materials puts the rest of the passengers in jeopardy!" Or how about this one. "Sir, I'm sorry but you have been removed from the flight because you bought an excessive amount of diapers." The weary and now angered traveler shouts, "Are you serious?!! That's all they had was the forty pack of Huggies!! They were out of everything else! My kid needed those diapers; it was two in the morning!!" How about this one. "I'm sorry sir but that last trip to McDonald's put you into the red category." "But I only had a number 4!! How could this happen, I AM innocent." "Sir, you may THINK you're innocent but nobody told you to supersize the meal!" People will be afraid to buy anything because they may have their face on the eleven o'clock news as a terror suspect the next time they fly. Instead of getting rewards for buying items and products, now "valued customers" may be looked at as "possible terror threats".
Well that's all I have. Have a wonderful rest of your day.
Jonathan
P.S.
And remember, that late night run to Steak N'Shake or Denny's may catch up to you in more ways than one. Instead of gaining that extra five pounds, you may be carrying five pounds...in handcuffs, legcuffs, and electronic bracelets. You may think that dress in Nordstrom's would look good on you, but just remember that bright orange jumpsuits never go out of style.
The J.C. is back in Ohio after a wonderful vacation in Chicago. It has come to my attention that some readers have been incorrectly referring to the J.C. as the "Jonathan Chronicles". Fortunately, I can correct those who have been misled. The J.C. stands for the Jonathan Clause. It has also come to my attention through some readers that my last edition was a little weak. I do remember saying that I would take requests from people for story ideas, but since this has not happened, I know reserve the right to write about what ever I want to. I stick my tongue out at all my critics (in a playful, friendly manner of course)!
Compulsive shopper? Buying a one-way plane ticket? Get ready to the visit the federal authorities, the next time you decide to travel by air!! The Washington Post has reported (September 9th) that a new screening system modeled after the terror alert color system (ya know, yellow=elevated...) will be put in place to weed out those air travelers that may have terrorism on their minds. How will this be done? Sara Kehaulani Goo's report states, "Passengers will be assigned a color code -- green, yellow or red -- based in part on their city of departure, destination, traveling companions and date of ticket purchase. Most people will be coded green and sail through. However, up to 8 percent of passengers who board the nation's 26,000 daily flights will be coded "yellow" and will undergo additional screening at the checkpoint, according to people familiar with the program. An estimated 1 to 2 percent will be labeled "red" and will be prohibited from boarding. These passengers also will face police questioning and may be arrested." Are they serious you ask? I am afraid so.
The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has flown into a little turbulence (get it? turbulence...hahahaha) in attempting to test their screening process, entitled CAPS II. The liberals and conservatives are beginning to vent on this issue. Ms. Goo continues, "Under the new program, the airline will send information about everyone who books a flight to the TSA, including full name, home address, home telephone number, date of birth and travel itinerary. If the computer system identifies a threat, the TSA will notify federal or local law enforcement authorities. The agency has not indicated the number or type of personnel needed to oversee the program. The TSA will check each passenger in two steps. The first will match the passenger's name and information against databases of private companies that collect information on people for commercial reasons, such as their shopping habits. This process will generate a numerical score that will indicate the likelihood that the passenger is who he says he is. Passengers will not be informed of their color code or their numerical score. The second step matches passenger information against government intelligence combined with local and state outstanding warrants for violent felonies." This is a definite recipe for disaster. How do I know? The ACLU is already put their half-a-cent (no NOT 50 Cent) opinion in, so look for this to be a very interesting debate along political lines. In fact, here is a fictional portrayal of how the new CAPS II system will work...
Instead of informing shoppers of sales or new store openings, stores are going to have to tell shoppers to scale back their next trip to the grocery store or mall. "Attention Wal-Mart, Sam's Club, and or Costco shoppers! Those who buy in bulk, beware!! That twenty pack of paper towels may push you from green status to red status the next time you fly!" Imagine going to the airline ticket counter and being denied access to a flight because you bought a new toothbrush and deodorant for the upcoming trip. "But I needed that stuff, and it's a seven hour flight!!" you explain to the airline personnel. She exclaims, "Well, I'm sorry sir, but our records show that your infrequent buying habits of these materials puts the rest of the passengers in jeopardy!" Or how about this one. "Sir, I'm sorry but you have been removed from the flight because you bought an excessive amount of diapers." The weary and now angered traveler shouts, "Are you serious?!! That's all they had was the forty pack of Huggies!! They were out of everything else! My kid needed those diapers; it was two in the morning!!" How about this one. "I'm sorry sir but that last trip to McDonald's put you into the red category." "But I only had a number 4!! How could this happen, I AM innocent." "Sir, you may THINK you're innocent but nobody told you to supersize the meal!" People will be afraid to buy anything because they may have their face on the eleven o'clock news as a terror suspect the next time they fly. Instead of getting rewards for buying items and products, now "valued customers" may be looked at as "possible terror threats".
Well that's all I have. Have a wonderful rest of your day.
Jonathan
P.S.
And remember, that late night run to Steak N'Shake or Denny's may catch up to you in more ways than one. Instead of gaining that extra five pounds, you may be carrying five pounds...in handcuffs, legcuffs, and electronic bracelets. You may think that dress in Nordstrom's would look good on you, but just remember that bright orange jumpsuits never go out of style.
Tuesday, September 2, 2003
September 2, 2003 The Jonathan Clause Issue #4
Hello ladies and gentlemen,
Yes, the JC is still on the road, but it will soon return to the great state of Ohio!! I apologize to all my faithful readers who were expecting a special edition a couple weeks ago. Due to a lack of resources, the JC was unable to produce a special edition. I would like to expand the number of readers that the JC has, so if you know of anyone who knows how to read please send their email address to me, so the JC may brighten their day. It has also come to my attention (through some faithful readers) that I do not have some of the correct email addresses for some particular readers, and I would also like to correct this wrong.
Throughout my fours years in the Chicago-land area, I have taken numerous automobile trips on Interstate 290 (aka The Eisenhower Expressway). For the most part, it can be guaranteed that traffic congestion will provide commuters with a slower ETA to their destination than they expected. This could not have been more true last evening.
I proceeded to enter the expressway last night at approximately 8 o'clock p.m. Traffic at this point in time was moving considerably well, despite the fact that it was Labor Day. Unfortunately, my commute to Wheaton would be slowed by almost forty-five minutes due to a major traffic accident that closed both east and west bound lanes of the Eisenhower near the Manheim Street exit (a busy street that some travelers take to O'Hare Airport). Traffic came to a standstill about a half a mile away from the accident scene. The temperature at the time was about 65 degrees, but the heat waves from the seemingly endless line of metal, gas, and rubber gave the illusion that it was warmer than it was supposed to be. Through the waves, I could see people getting out of their cars, trucks and semis trying to get a better view of the carnage that was ahead. A helicopter soon hovered close to the accident scene, but it's final descent was swallowed up by the long line of vehicles in front of me.
A couple of Hispanic teenagers got out of a car behind me and crossed the concrete median to attempting to get a better view than the one they previously had. They looked like a young superhero combo. Both wore white headbands, with brightly colored t-shirts and shorts. One of the teenagers who carried a great deal of body weight walked patiently back and forth on the deserted road while his smaller and skinnier counterpart walked atop the concrete barrier to make up for his lack of height. In the furthermost left hand lane, an Asian family had caught my attention in a Lexus SUV. They felt the best way to view the action would be through their sunroof. A small black, shimmery head of hair peeked out of the top of the sunroof; the owner of that hair was a young boy most likely no older than six. His older sister (maybe an age of nine or ten) decided to try her luck at the sunroof. She soon disappeared into the comfort of tan leather and tinted windows, but their jack-in-the-box routine wasn't finished. The father wanted his turn and squeezed his semi-muscular girth through the sunroof. A truck driver who had earlier let me merge into his lane hopped out of his cab to try and view the accident. His attempts were by far the most surprising. He began to walk towards the scene with some kind of black object in his right hand. At first, I thought it was a cell phone, but he soon put the object to his face. After a closer investigation, I realized the object was not a cell phone but a pair of binoculars! Another motorist took up conversation with binocular-man and amused himself by picking up a toy gun that was left on the left berm of the expressway.
On the right berm, impatient motorists who had the luxury of being the right hand lane of the expressway began to slowly back up and head to an off ramp about 500 feet away. A steady stream of rear car bumpers illuminated with white lights moved towards the exit. Around 8:40 pm, the line of cars began to move forward. People who were breaking their necks to see the wrecked metal and rescue efforts jumped back in their cars. As I approached the scene, I took note of an overpass that looked as if it was holding not just passing vehicles but curious spectators. I was amazed to see that the line of individuals spanned the length of the overpass. Like the flying insects that excitedly fly around a bright spotlight on a warm summer night, these people also seemed to be drawn by the bright spotlights housed on top of the fire trucks and road department vehicles, not to mention the accident scene itself.
The traffic began to move with a little more speed thanks to the road flares and police officers who herded the mass of vehicles towards the next off ramp. I was now able to clearly see the helicopter, which I had previously lost sight off, sitting comfortably on a makeshift expressway/airstrip 200 feet in front of me. The traffic moved so quickly that the accident scene was soon behind me. I never really did get a good glimpse of the accident itself, because the traffic movement began to pick up. On my way back to Oak Park later that evening the only remnants of the accident were a section of decimated guardrail about ten feet in length, which was missing and a large collection of metal debris embedded in the grass on the median. Without those clues, no one would know without looking at the scene that a major accident had taken place hours before.
I guess that last night was just one of those adventures in people watching. What did I do besides watch the other motorists? I called my brother to see if the accident was on the news, and my sis-in-law gave me a radio station to check out that gave traffic info. The station gave me the news I already knew from my observation; both lanes of the Eisenhower near Manheim were closed due to an accident, a helicopter is on the scene. I popped in some Pink Floyd and just sat back and relaxed, until I passed the scene.
Well that's it, yeah, I know it's long, but it was good I hope?!
Jonathan
Yes, the JC is still on the road, but it will soon return to the great state of Ohio!! I apologize to all my faithful readers who were expecting a special edition a couple weeks ago. Due to a lack of resources, the JC was unable to produce a special edition. I would like to expand the number of readers that the JC has, so if you know of anyone who knows how to read please send their email address to me, so the JC may brighten their day. It has also come to my attention (through some faithful readers) that I do not have some of the correct email addresses for some particular readers, and I would also like to correct this wrong.
Throughout my fours years in the Chicago-land area, I have taken numerous automobile trips on Interstate 290 (aka The Eisenhower Expressway). For the most part, it can be guaranteed that traffic congestion will provide commuters with a slower ETA to their destination than they expected. This could not have been more true last evening.
I proceeded to enter the expressway last night at approximately 8 o'clock p.m. Traffic at this point in time was moving considerably well, despite the fact that it was Labor Day. Unfortunately, my commute to Wheaton would be slowed by almost forty-five minutes due to a major traffic accident that closed both east and west bound lanes of the Eisenhower near the Manheim Street exit (a busy street that some travelers take to O'Hare Airport). Traffic came to a standstill about a half a mile away from the accident scene. The temperature at the time was about 65 degrees, but the heat waves from the seemingly endless line of metal, gas, and rubber gave the illusion that it was warmer than it was supposed to be. Through the waves, I could see people getting out of their cars, trucks and semis trying to get a better view of the carnage that was ahead. A helicopter soon hovered close to the accident scene, but it's final descent was swallowed up by the long line of vehicles in front of me.
A couple of Hispanic teenagers got out of a car behind me and crossed the concrete median to attempting to get a better view than the one they previously had. They looked like a young superhero combo. Both wore white headbands, with brightly colored t-shirts and shorts. One of the teenagers who carried a great deal of body weight walked patiently back and forth on the deserted road while his smaller and skinnier counterpart walked atop the concrete barrier to make up for his lack of height. In the furthermost left hand lane, an Asian family had caught my attention in a Lexus SUV. They felt the best way to view the action would be through their sunroof. A small black, shimmery head of hair peeked out of the top of the sunroof; the owner of that hair was a young boy most likely no older than six. His older sister (maybe an age of nine or ten) decided to try her luck at the sunroof. She soon disappeared into the comfort of tan leather and tinted windows, but their jack-in-the-box routine wasn't finished. The father wanted his turn and squeezed his semi-muscular girth through the sunroof. A truck driver who had earlier let me merge into his lane hopped out of his cab to try and view the accident. His attempts were by far the most surprising. He began to walk towards the scene with some kind of black object in his right hand. At first, I thought it was a cell phone, but he soon put the object to his face. After a closer investigation, I realized the object was not a cell phone but a pair of binoculars! Another motorist took up conversation with binocular-man and amused himself by picking up a toy gun that was left on the left berm of the expressway.
On the right berm, impatient motorists who had the luxury of being the right hand lane of the expressway began to slowly back up and head to an off ramp about 500 feet away. A steady stream of rear car bumpers illuminated with white lights moved towards the exit. Around 8:40 pm, the line of cars began to move forward. People who were breaking their necks to see the wrecked metal and rescue efforts jumped back in their cars. As I approached the scene, I took note of an overpass that looked as if it was holding not just passing vehicles but curious spectators. I was amazed to see that the line of individuals spanned the length of the overpass. Like the flying insects that excitedly fly around a bright spotlight on a warm summer night, these people also seemed to be drawn by the bright spotlights housed on top of the fire trucks and road department vehicles, not to mention the accident scene itself.
The traffic began to move with a little more speed thanks to the road flares and police officers who herded the mass of vehicles towards the next off ramp. I was now able to clearly see the helicopter, which I had previously lost sight off, sitting comfortably on a makeshift expressway/airstrip 200 feet in front of me. The traffic moved so quickly that the accident scene was soon behind me. I never really did get a good glimpse of the accident itself, because the traffic movement began to pick up. On my way back to Oak Park later that evening the only remnants of the accident were a section of decimated guardrail about ten feet in length, which was missing and a large collection of metal debris embedded in the grass on the median. Without those clues, no one would know without looking at the scene that a major accident had taken place hours before.
I guess that last night was just one of those adventures in people watching. What did I do besides watch the other motorists? I called my brother to see if the accident was on the news, and my sis-in-law gave me a radio station to check out that gave traffic info. The station gave me the news I already knew from my observation; both lanes of the Eisenhower near Manheim were closed due to an accident, a helicopter is on the scene. I popped in some Pink Floyd and just sat back and relaxed, until I passed the scene.
Well that's it, yeah, I know it's long, but it was good I hope?!
Jonathan
Tuesday, August 26, 2003
August 26 ,2003 The Jonathan Clause Issue #3
Ladies and gentleman,
Good morning to you all from the okay state of Illinois!! (why is it just okay, because Ohio is the best) I am in the Chicagoland area visiting my family, some friends and trying to find a job. The production crew that assists me has done a wonderful job getting the J.C. ready for the trip.
I had a visit yesterday from the HP. You may be asking, who's the HP? The HP is the Hypocrisy Police. Chief Donutizzle (he's Snoop's 7th cousin) came to tell me to tell you (the VERY educated readers of the J.C.) that the ELF (earth liberation front, cousins to the animal liberation front) has launched another offensive. How should I describe the ELF? Let's say they fight crime with crime. Most recently, the cities of Arcadia, Duarte, and West Covina (all housed in California) were subject to the ELF's violence. Saboteurs ruined a number of SUVs at dealerships in these three cities. Slogans were spray painted on the sides of these vehicles and some were set on fire.
Now, here's where Chief Donutizzle comes in. The ELF's three main guidelines are as follows: "to inflict economic damage on those profiting from the destruction and exploitation of the natural environment, to reveal and educate the public on the atrocities committed against the earth and all species that populate it, and to take all necessary precautions against harming any animal, human and non-human." If the ELF is for the protection of the natural environment, then why the heck are you setting Hummer H2s on fire?!! I'm sure that setting a car on fire would cause more damage to the environment than actually have that particular car take a short drive around the block. They can't be serious! Not only do these concerned citizens of the Earth set fire to cars but new housing developments too. In fact, the first page of their website has a picture of a wooden frame of a new home or barn set ablaze with the slogan, "every night is earth night" under the picture.
I do understand that the guidelines for SUVs and trucks are not meeting fuel efficiency standards and environmental standards. The automobile manufacturers could be doing a lot more to solve this problem. So are the ELF members justified in their cause? In order to stop crimes from happening do we need to commit more crimes? Did I mention the ELF's arson workbook, which details how to commit arson. Just ridiculous. But I'd like your opinions on such matters as these...
Have a good one.
Jonathan
Good morning to you all from the okay state of Illinois!! (why is it just okay, because Ohio is the best) I am in the Chicagoland area visiting my family, some friends and trying to find a job. The production crew that assists me has done a wonderful job getting the J.C. ready for the trip.
I had a visit yesterday from the HP. You may be asking, who's the HP? The HP is the Hypocrisy Police. Chief Donutizzle (he's Snoop's 7th cousin) came to tell me to tell you (the VERY educated readers of the J.C.) that the ELF (earth liberation front, cousins to the animal liberation front) has launched another offensive. How should I describe the ELF? Let's say they fight crime with crime. Most recently, the cities of Arcadia, Duarte, and West Covina (all housed in California) were subject to the ELF's violence. Saboteurs ruined a number of SUVs at dealerships in these three cities. Slogans were spray painted on the sides of these vehicles and some were set on fire.
Now, here's where Chief Donutizzle comes in. The ELF's three main guidelines are as follows: "to inflict economic damage on those profiting from the destruction and exploitation of the natural environment, to reveal and educate the public on the atrocities committed against the earth and all species that populate it, and to take all necessary precautions against harming any animal, human and non-human." If the ELF is for the protection of the natural environment, then why the heck are you setting Hummer H2s on fire?!! I'm sure that setting a car on fire would cause more damage to the environment than actually have that particular car take a short drive around the block. They can't be serious! Not only do these concerned citizens of the Earth set fire to cars but new housing developments too. In fact, the first page of their website has a picture of a wooden frame of a new home or barn set ablaze with the slogan, "every night is earth night" under the picture.
I do understand that the guidelines for SUVs and trucks are not meeting fuel efficiency standards and environmental standards. The automobile manufacturers could be doing a lot more to solve this problem. So are the ELF members justified in their cause? In order to stop crimes from happening do we need to commit more crimes? Did I mention the ELF's arson workbook, which details how to commit arson. Just ridiculous. But I'd like your opinions on such matters as these...
Have a good one.
Jonathan
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
August 19, 2003 The Jonathan Clause Issue #2
Good morning ladies and gentleman.
Welcome to the second installment of the Jonathan Clause!! I hope that all of you are doing well. For those of you who are receiving the second edition of the Jonathan Clause, but did not receive the first one, do not fret! If you'd like the first edition sent to you please let me know. The J.C. will be sent out once a week, and if situations warrant special editions will be released. I would like to thank all of you who have offered support (remember monetary gifts are welcomed also...just kidding) Lettuce begin! Get it?! Haa haha okay enough of that...
I am sure that all of you have found out about the "Great Blackout of 2003" (if you haven't you may want to check your power). This unfortunate occurrence has led everyone to wonder, how did this happen? The finger pointing has begun and Ohio looks to be the main culprit. Ladies and gentleman, it's NOT us!! I can assure you that my fellow Ohioans, FirstEnergy (the power provider for Ohio, Pennsylvania, and New Jersey) and I are innocent of these accusations. In fact, I know who the real criminals behind this deed are. I have asked a dear friend, Tico Jaartz, to expose these varmints!
My story begins almost two weeks before the "Great Blackout of 2003" at the Thornton Family Compound. I had the privilege of interviewing Jonathan Thornton (one of the residents of the TFC), who told me that he spotted Alvin, Simon and Theodore (of Alvin and the Chipmunks cartoon fame) compromising the structural integrity of his truck (a 2000 Dodge Ram 4x4). I was quickly dismayed at the possibility of a fracture between chipmunk and human relations, so I began investigating the alleged crime scene right away. Low and behold, I uncovered some startling evidence! Underneath the hood of Jonathan's truck was some insulation that appeared to be tampered with. Upon further investigation, I discovered a small amount of chewed insulation that was HIGHLY visible to the naked eye (though this discovery tried to be discounted by other residents of the TFC who will remain nameless). As my investigation continued, I took note of Jonathan's radio, which decided to suddenly stop working. Though I could produce no evidence, which would point to the rodent actors sabotaging the radio, I DO have my theories. The last discovery that was made near the battery compartment of Jonathan's truck. After several attempts to start the truck failed (as did using jumper cables), I assumed that the battery felt it no longer needed to function. My assumption turned out to be correct with battery acid caked around the battery terminals to be ultimate coup de grace. My investigation closed with three famous chipmunks still on the loose, but a client's truck was put back into working condition (except for the radio, that still baffles me) after a new batter was purchased. I thought Alvin, Simon and Theodore's escapades would end, but I was mistaken.
At 3:06 pm on August 14th, those overpaid rodents were at it again. Along with their cousins Chip and Dale (of Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers cartoon show), the group of five infiltrated FirstEnergy power transmission lines in northeastern Ohio and began to chew, chew and chew. At 4:10 pm, their relentless chewing was rewarded with the failure of power in numerous states and cities in the United States and parts of Canada. The rest as many people say is history. But ladies and gentleman YOU, yes, you can be a part of history. Make Alvin, Simon and Theodore change their normal attire of over-sized one-color turtlenecks into bright orange prison jumpsuits (with matching slippers). Change their lavish diet of whipped nut pudding and nut ale to nut flavored water and nut wafers! They changed the way we live, let's change theirs...permanently!!! To combat any new crimes they are contemplating I have asked my brothers Rico and Pico Jaartz to assist in catching these chipmunk criminals. Have no fear the Jaartz Brother Chipmunk Criminal Task Force is here!!!!
Ladies and Gentleman, I have a message for the DEA. Hire Ozzy Osbourne for a new ad campaign!!! If any of you missed it don't worry, it wasn't worth watching or hearing. Last week Ozzy and wife, Sharon, were present at a Chicago Cubs game to sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" during the seventh inning stretch. Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell Ozzy that he should at least TRY to sing the CORRECT words to the song. The first couple lines were absolutely wrong and then the rest of the song sounded like a person trying to sing with their mouth covered with duct tape. It was HORRIBLE!!! If I'm the Chicago Cubs, how do I let someone like Ozzy try and sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"? Are you serious? Out of all the celebrities that the Cubs could have picked, Ozzy was it?!!! In all seriousness, though it's a very sad and troubling situation. Would you want your sons, daughters or friends to end up like Ozzy is?!!! This is why the DEA should get involved. Use Ozzy as a spokesperson (wait he wouldn't even need to speak he could just stand in front of a camera). Whoops, I forgot he all ready does that on his television show. Okay that's enough of that.
Ladies and gentleman That concludes today's newsletter. I am strongly considering a special edition, sent later this week. Keep your eyes open (especially if you're walking or driving). Have a wonderful and blessed day.
Jonathan
Welcome to the second installment of the Jonathan Clause!! I hope that all of you are doing well. For those of you who are receiving the second edition of the Jonathan Clause, but did not receive the first one, do not fret! If you'd like the first edition sent to you please let me know. The J.C. will be sent out once a week, and if situations warrant special editions will be released. I would like to thank all of you who have offered support (remember monetary gifts are welcomed also...just kidding) Lettuce begin! Get it?! Haa haha okay enough of that...
I am sure that all of you have found out about the "Great Blackout of 2003" (if you haven't you may want to check your power). This unfortunate occurrence has led everyone to wonder, how did this happen? The finger pointing has begun and Ohio looks to be the main culprit. Ladies and gentleman, it's NOT us!! I can assure you that my fellow Ohioans, FirstEnergy (the power provider for Ohio, Pennsylvania, and New Jersey) and I are innocent of these accusations. In fact, I know who the real criminals behind this deed are. I have asked a dear friend, Tico Jaartz, to expose these varmints!
My story begins almost two weeks before the "Great Blackout of 2003" at the Thornton Family Compound. I had the privilege of interviewing Jonathan Thornton (one of the residents of the TFC), who told me that he spotted Alvin, Simon and Theodore (of Alvin and the Chipmunks cartoon fame) compromising the structural integrity of his truck (a 2000 Dodge Ram 4x4). I was quickly dismayed at the possibility of a fracture between chipmunk and human relations, so I began investigating the alleged crime scene right away. Low and behold, I uncovered some startling evidence! Underneath the hood of Jonathan's truck was some insulation that appeared to be tampered with. Upon further investigation, I discovered a small amount of chewed insulation that was HIGHLY visible to the naked eye (though this discovery tried to be discounted by other residents of the TFC who will remain nameless). As my investigation continued, I took note of Jonathan's radio, which decided to suddenly stop working. Though I could produce no evidence, which would point to the rodent actors sabotaging the radio, I DO have my theories. The last discovery that was made near the battery compartment of Jonathan's truck. After several attempts to start the truck failed (as did using jumper cables), I assumed that the battery felt it no longer needed to function. My assumption turned out to be correct with battery acid caked around the battery terminals to be ultimate coup de grace. My investigation closed with three famous chipmunks still on the loose, but a client's truck was put back into working condition (except for the radio, that still baffles me) after a new batter was purchased. I thought Alvin, Simon and Theodore's escapades would end, but I was mistaken.
At 3:06 pm on August 14th, those overpaid rodents were at it again. Along with their cousins Chip and Dale (of Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers cartoon show), the group of five infiltrated FirstEnergy power transmission lines in northeastern Ohio and began to chew, chew and chew. At 4:10 pm, their relentless chewing was rewarded with the failure of power in numerous states and cities in the United States and parts of Canada. The rest as many people say is history. But ladies and gentleman YOU, yes, you can be a part of history. Make Alvin, Simon and Theodore change their normal attire of over-sized one-color turtlenecks into bright orange prison jumpsuits (with matching slippers). Change their lavish diet of whipped nut pudding and nut ale to nut flavored water and nut wafers! They changed the way we live, let's change theirs...permanently!!! To combat any new crimes they are contemplating I have asked my brothers Rico and Pico Jaartz to assist in catching these chipmunk criminals. Have no fear the Jaartz Brother Chipmunk Criminal Task Force is here!!!!
Ladies and Gentleman, I have a message for the DEA. Hire Ozzy Osbourne for a new ad campaign!!! If any of you missed it don't worry, it wasn't worth watching or hearing. Last week Ozzy and wife, Sharon, were present at a Chicago Cubs game to sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" during the seventh inning stretch. Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell Ozzy that he should at least TRY to sing the CORRECT words to the song. The first couple lines were absolutely wrong and then the rest of the song sounded like a person trying to sing with their mouth covered with duct tape. It was HORRIBLE!!! If I'm the Chicago Cubs, how do I let someone like Ozzy try and sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"? Are you serious? Out of all the celebrities that the Cubs could have picked, Ozzy was it?!!! In all seriousness, though it's a very sad and troubling situation. Would you want your sons, daughters or friends to end up like Ozzy is?!!! This is why the DEA should get involved. Use Ozzy as a spokesperson (wait he wouldn't even need to speak he could just stand in front of a camera). Whoops, I forgot he all ready does that on his television show. Okay that's enough of that.
Ladies and gentleman That concludes today's newsletter. I am strongly considering a special edition, sent later this week. Keep your eyes open (especially if you're walking or driving). Have a wonderful and blessed day.
Jonathan
Monday, August 11, 2003
August 11, 2003 The Jonathan Clause Issue #1
Good morning ladies and gentleman.
Today begins the start of a new direction for me. While I wait for employment to sweep me away to new monetary heights and 40 hour work weeks, I have decided to write a email "newsletter" covering current events and events here at our home. Consider yourselves VERY privileged to have this opportunity to partake in such things as this "newsletter". Please feel free to comment on the "Jonathan Clause" (the name of the "newsletter". The "Jonathan Clause" will try to reach the soul and mind, while also taking a whack at your funny bone.
I woke up today at 8:43 am to a very unrecognizable noise. I thought our house was being sabotaged by men wielding chainsaws (at least that's what it sounded like), so I quickly reached for my glasses and sat up in bed (for those of you who have never been in my room, which is 99% of you, my bed is situated next to windows that overlook our neighbor's wooded back yard). I carefully peered out of my window and saw one of our lawn maintenance engineers putting fertilizer around our tree and flowerbeds. Okay, so my first thoughts were a little off, but it was quite weird. The LME's (lawn maintenance engineers) continued their work all over our yard, and I followed most of their moves. The fertilizer was spread by using a thirty to forty foot hose and a fertilizer-spreading machine mounted on a truck. Don't ask me what kind of truck; it was one of those fertilizer-spreading trucks! What I found most fascinating about this whole ordeal was that the fertilizer was steaming when it was applied to the tree and flowerbeds. It steamed so much that it fogged up our dining room windows that are right next to a flowerbed. So what?! Well, the next time you take a ride through America's farmland and the "sweet" aroma of animal dung tickles your nostrils, remember that smell may reach your rose garden or fir trees in your backyard by way of the LMEs and their dung heated truck.
In today's metro section of the Cleveland Plain Dealer, there was a front-page story that caught my attention. The story entitled, "A Conflict of Interests: Track's fans just want to race; neighbors prefer peace and quiet" (written by Maggi Martin) details the dispute between James Marino and Perry Township trustees and Mr. Marino's neighbors. Let me set up the scenario for you. I've never been to Perry Township, at least I don't think I have, but one thing I know is that Perry Township does have what most rural townships have around where I live have: land. In fact, Mr. Marino has 25 acres of land, where he breeds racehorses. Five of those 25 acres have been made into a dirt track for ATVs and dirt bikes. Justin Hanusosky and some others use the track regularly for practice. The practice must be paying off because Hanusosky has raced in national competitions with his ATV in Tennessee and Georgia.
The residents and trustees have beef with Mr. Marino and the riders because they state it's, "an illegal use of residential property". The issues of noise and dust are a continuing problem for the zoning board and neighbors. Mr. Marino has put in place a tree line and berms to reduce the noise level and a water wagon to reduce the dust, but these efforts don't look to be enough to solve the problem. So where do we go from here?
The trustees are seeking an injunction to close down the track and filed a complaint in Lake County Common Pleas Court (Lake County is north of Geauga County where we live. It's Gee aw ga.) The trustees say that the track violates zoning laws, which state that, "don't permit recreational use of land in a residential area". The only other time I've heard some kind of argument like this was on ABC's 20/20 program. A family out in New Jersey (85% sure) built a baseball diamond (with fence, backstop, and I believe an indoor facility as well) on their property to the dismay of their neighbors and the zoning board. That's pretty much it on the facts, but here comes the speculation and questions!
Since I've been home from school there have been two different occasions reported in the local news of children being hurt or killed in ATV accidents. Would the Perry Township trustees rather have these children on the roads or in unsafe conditions where they could possibly get hurt? Does Mr. Marino have the racers sign a release if one of them is injured while on his track? Can't the neighbors and Mr. Marino compromise over this issue? At this point I'm willing to side with Mr. Marino and the racers. It seems as though he has built a legitimate way for these racers to practice. If he got some kind of release waiver form and insurance for the racers and his track what's the problem? It's his land isn't it? There is always some kind of noise pollution in the air, and steps to curb excessive noise pollution (outrageously loud car stereos, semi-truck engine brakes) have in some cities been put into place. If these racers aren't practicing at 3 in the morning or at 11 at night, then why not let them race? If they can't practice on Mr. Marino's property where will the trustees allow them to? Maybe I'm missing the point. Do you think I am? I'd like to hear your feedback on such issues.
Well as many of you know I still don't have a job yet. There are some small possibilities that are beginning to open but I don't know if they'll come through. I'm excited about finding a job and starting a new career and launching out on my own. What kills me is the waiting process, hearing back from people, waiting by the phone...stuff like that. Church was really good yesterday. It really helped to put the whole job situation in perspective. One of our pastors spoke on Psalm 27 last evening. It's been one of my favorite Psalms since I began my job search. I encourage you to read it and if you don't have a bible here it is.
"The Lord is my light and my salvation -- whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life -- of whom shall I be afraid?
When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall.
Though an army besieges me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident.
One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.
Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the Lord.
Hear my voice when I call, O Lord; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek.
Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper.
Do no reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior.
Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.
Teach me your way, O Lord; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors.
Do not turn me over to the desire of my foe, for false witnesses rise up against me, breathing out violence.
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
This psalm has provided me with much comfort over the past few weeks. Well that's all for the first edition of the "Jonathan Clause". I hope that the Lord blesses you all. Talk to you later.
Jonathan
P.S. Thoughts on Kobe? Liberia? California's recall race? Job opportunities in sports? Feel free to comment!!
Today begins the start of a new direction for me. While I wait for employment to sweep me away to new monetary heights and 40 hour work weeks, I have decided to write a email "newsletter" covering current events and events here at our home. Consider yourselves VERY privileged to have this opportunity to partake in such things as this "newsletter". Please feel free to comment on the "Jonathan Clause" (the name of the "newsletter". The "Jonathan Clause" will try to reach the soul and mind, while also taking a whack at your funny bone.
I woke up today at 8:43 am to a very unrecognizable noise. I thought our house was being sabotaged by men wielding chainsaws (at least that's what it sounded like), so I quickly reached for my glasses and sat up in bed (for those of you who have never been in my room, which is 99% of you, my bed is situated next to windows that overlook our neighbor's wooded back yard). I carefully peered out of my window and saw one of our lawn maintenance engineers putting fertilizer around our tree and flowerbeds. Okay, so my first thoughts were a little off, but it was quite weird. The LME's (lawn maintenance engineers) continued their work all over our yard, and I followed most of their moves. The fertilizer was spread by using a thirty to forty foot hose and a fertilizer-spreading machine mounted on a truck. Don't ask me what kind of truck; it was one of those fertilizer-spreading trucks! What I found most fascinating about this whole ordeal was that the fertilizer was steaming when it was applied to the tree and flowerbeds. It steamed so much that it fogged up our dining room windows that are right next to a flowerbed. So what?! Well, the next time you take a ride through America's farmland and the "sweet" aroma of animal dung tickles your nostrils, remember that smell may reach your rose garden or fir trees in your backyard by way of the LMEs and their dung heated truck.
In today's metro section of the Cleveland Plain Dealer, there was a front-page story that caught my attention. The story entitled, "A Conflict of Interests: Track's fans just want to race; neighbors prefer peace and quiet" (written by Maggi Martin) details the dispute between James Marino and Perry Township trustees and Mr. Marino's neighbors. Let me set up the scenario for you. I've never been to Perry Township, at least I don't think I have, but one thing I know is that Perry Township does have what most rural townships have around where I live have: land. In fact, Mr. Marino has 25 acres of land, where he breeds racehorses. Five of those 25 acres have been made into a dirt track for ATVs and dirt bikes. Justin Hanusosky and some others use the track regularly for practice. The practice must be paying off because Hanusosky has raced in national competitions with his ATV in Tennessee and Georgia.
The residents and trustees have beef with Mr. Marino and the riders because they state it's, "an illegal use of residential property". The issues of noise and dust are a continuing problem for the zoning board and neighbors. Mr. Marino has put in place a tree line and berms to reduce the noise level and a water wagon to reduce the dust, but these efforts don't look to be enough to solve the problem. So where do we go from here?
The trustees are seeking an injunction to close down the track and filed a complaint in Lake County Common Pleas Court (Lake County is north of Geauga County where we live. It's Gee aw ga.) The trustees say that the track violates zoning laws, which state that, "don't permit recreational use of land in a residential area". The only other time I've heard some kind of argument like this was on ABC's 20/20 program. A family out in New Jersey (85% sure) built a baseball diamond (with fence, backstop, and I believe an indoor facility as well) on their property to the dismay of their neighbors and the zoning board. That's pretty much it on the facts, but here comes the speculation and questions!
Since I've been home from school there have been two different occasions reported in the local news of children being hurt or killed in ATV accidents. Would the Perry Township trustees rather have these children on the roads or in unsafe conditions where they could possibly get hurt? Does Mr. Marino have the racers sign a release if one of them is injured while on his track? Can't the neighbors and Mr. Marino compromise over this issue? At this point I'm willing to side with Mr. Marino and the racers. It seems as though he has built a legitimate way for these racers to practice. If he got some kind of release waiver form and insurance for the racers and his track what's the problem? It's his land isn't it? There is always some kind of noise pollution in the air, and steps to curb excessive noise pollution (outrageously loud car stereos, semi-truck engine brakes) have in some cities been put into place. If these racers aren't practicing at 3 in the morning or at 11 at night, then why not let them race? If they can't practice on Mr. Marino's property where will the trustees allow them to? Maybe I'm missing the point. Do you think I am? I'd like to hear your feedback on such issues.
Well as many of you know I still don't have a job yet. There are some small possibilities that are beginning to open but I don't know if they'll come through. I'm excited about finding a job and starting a new career and launching out on my own. What kills me is the waiting process, hearing back from people, waiting by the phone...stuff like that. Church was really good yesterday. It really helped to put the whole job situation in perspective. One of our pastors spoke on Psalm 27 last evening. It's been one of my favorite Psalms since I began my job search. I encourage you to read it and if you don't have a bible here it is.
"The Lord is my light and my salvation -- whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life -- of whom shall I be afraid?
When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall.
Though an army besieges me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident.
One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.
Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the Lord.
Hear my voice when I call, O Lord; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek.
Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper.
Do no reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior.
Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.
Teach me your way, O Lord; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors.
Do not turn me over to the desire of my foe, for false witnesses rise up against me, breathing out violence.
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
This psalm has provided me with much comfort over the past few weeks. Well that's all for the first edition of the "Jonathan Clause". I hope that the Lord blesses you all. Talk to you later.
Jonathan
P.S. Thoughts on Kobe? Liberia? California's recall race? Job opportunities in sports? Feel free to comment!!
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