Ladies and gentleman,
Good morning to you all from the okay state of Illinois!! (why is it just okay, because Ohio is the best) I am in the Chicagoland area visiting my family, some friends and trying to find a job. The production crew that assists me has done a wonderful job getting the J.C. ready for the trip.
I had a visit yesterday from the HP. You may be asking, who's the HP? The HP is the Hypocrisy Police. Chief Donutizzle (he's Snoop's 7th cousin) came to tell me to tell you (the VERY educated readers of the J.C.) that the ELF (earth liberation front, cousins to the animal liberation front) has launched another offensive. How should I describe the ELF? Let's say they fight crime with crime. Most recently, the cities of Arcadia, Duarte, and West Covina (all housed in California) were subject to the ELF's violence. Saboteurs ruined a number of SUVs at dealerships in these three cities. Slogans were spray painted on the sides of these vehicles and some were set on fire.
Now, here's where Chief Donutizzle comes in. The ELF's three main guidelines are as follows: "to inflict economic damage on those profiting from the destruction and exploitation of the natural environment, to reveal and educate the public on the atrocities committed against the earth and all species that populate it, and to take all necessary precautions against harming any animal, human and non-human." If the ELF is for the protection of the natural environment, then why the heck are you setting Hummer H2s on fire?!! I'm sure that setting a car on fire would cause more damage to the environment than actually have that particular car take a short drive around the block. They can't be serious! Not only do these concerned citizens of the Earth set fire to cars but new housing developments too. In fact, the first page of their website has a picture of a wooden frame of a new home or barn set ablaze with the slogan, "every night is earth night" under the picture.
I do understand that the guidelines for SUVs and trucks are not meeting fuel efficiency standards and environmental standards. The automobile manufacturers could be doing a lot more to solve this problem. So are the ELF members justified in their cause? In order to stop crimes from happening do we need to commit more crimes? Did I mention the ELF's arson workbook, which details how to commit arson. Just ridiculous. But I'd like your opinions on such matters as these...
Have a good one.
Jonathan
Tuesday, August 26, 2003
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
August 19, 2003 The Jonathan Clause Issue #2
Good morning ladies and gentleman.
Welcome to the second installment of the Jonathan Clause!! I hope that all of you are doing well. For those of you who are receiving the second edition of the Jonathan Clause, but did not receive the first one, do not fret! If you'd like the first edition sent to you please let me know. The J.C. will be sent out once a week, and if situations warrant special editions will be released. I would like to thank all of you who have offered support (remember monetary gifts are welcomed also...just kidding) Lettuce begin! Get it?! Haa haha okay enough of that...
I am sure that all of you have found out about the "Great Blackout of 2003" (if you haven't you may want to check your power). This unfortunate occurrence has led everyone to wonder, how did this happen? The finger pointing has begun and Ohio looks to be the main culprit. Ladies and gentleman, it's NOT us!! I can assure you that my fellow Ohioans, FirstEnergy (the power provider for Ohio, Pennsylvania, and New Jersey) and I are innocent of these accusations. In fact, I know who the real criminals behind this deed are. I have asked a dear friend, Tico Jaartz, to expose these varmints!
My story begins almost two weeks before the "Great Blackout of 2003" at the Thornton Family Compound. I had the privilege of interviewing Jonathan Thornton (one of the residents of the TFC), who told me that he spotted Alvin, Simon and Theodore (of Alvin and the Chipmunks cartoon fame) compromising the structural integrity of his truck (a 2000 Dodge Ram 4x4). I was quickly dismayed at the possibility of a fracture between chipmunk and human relations, so I began investigating the alleged crime scene right away. Low and behold, I uncovered some startling evidence! Underneath the hood of Jonathan's truck was some insulation that appeared to be tampered with. Upon further investigation, I discovered a small amount of chewed insulation that was HIGHLY visible to the naked eye (though this discovery tried to be discounted by other residents of the TFC who will remain nameless). As my investigation continued, I took note of Jonathan's radio, which decided to suddenly stop working. Though I could produce no evidence, which would point to the rodent actors sabotaging the radio, I DO have my theories. The last discovery that was made near the battery compartment of Jonathan's truck. After several attempts to start the truck failed (as did using jumper cables), I assumed that the battery felt it no longer needed to function. My assumption turned out to be correct with battery acid caked around the battery terminals to be ultimate coup de grace. My investigation closed with three famous chipmunks still on the loose, but a client's truck was put back into working condition (except for the radio, that still baffles me) after a new batter was purchased. I thought Alvin, Simon and Theodore's escapades would end, but I was mistaken.
At 3:06 pm on August 14th, those overpaid rodents were at it again. Along with their cousins Chip and Dale (of Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers cartoon show), the group of five infiltrated FirstEnergy power transmission lines in northeastern Ohio and began to chew, chew and chew. At 4:10 pm, their relentless chewing was rewarded with the failure of power in numerous states and cities in the United States and parts of Canada. The rest as many people say is history. But ladies and gentleman YOU, yes, you can be a part of history. Make Alvin, Simon and Theodore change their normal attire of over-sized one-color turtlenecks into bright orange prison jumpsuits (with matching slippers). Change their lavish diet of whipped nut pudding and nut ale to nut flavored water and nut wafers! They changed the way we live, let's change theirs...permanently!!! To combat any new crimes they are contemplating I have asked my brothers Rico and Pico Jaartz to assist in catching these chipmunk criminals. Have no fear the Jaartz Brother Chipmunk Criminal Task Force is here!!!!
Ladies and Gentleman, I have a message for the DEA. Hire Ozzy Osbourne for a new ad campaign!!! If any of you missed it don't worry, it wasn't worth watching or hearing. Last week Ozzy and wife, Sharon, were present at a Chicago Cubs game to sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" during the seventh inning stretch. Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell Ozzy that he should at least TRY to sing the CORRECT words to the song. The first couple lines were absolutely wrong and then the rest of the song sounded like a person trying to sing with their mouth covered with duct tape. It was HORRIBLE!!! If I'm the Chicago Cubs, how do I let someone like Ozzy try and sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"? Are you serious? Out of all the celebrities that the Cubs could have picked, Ozzy was it?!!! In all seriousness, though it's a very sad and troubling situation. Would you want your sons, daughters or friends to end up like Ozzy is?!!! This is why the DEA should get involved. Use Ozzy as a spokesperson (wait he wouldn't even need to speak he could just stand in front of a camera). Whoops, I forgot he all ready does that on his television show. Okay that's enough of that.
Ladies and gentleman That concludes today's newsletter. I am strongly considering a special edition, sent later this week. Keep your eyes open (especially if you're walking or driving). Have a wonderful and blessed day.
Jonathan
Welcome to the second installment of the Jonathan Clause!! I hope that all of you are doing well. For those of you who are receiving the second edition of the Jonathan Clause, but did not receive the first one, do not fret! If you'd like the first edition sent to you please let me know. The J.C. will be sent out once a week, and if situations warrant special editions will be released. I would like to thank all of you who have offered support (remember monetary gifts are welcomed also...just kidding) Lettuce begin! Get it?! Haa haha okay enough of that...
I am sure that all of you have found out about the "Great Blackout of 2003" (if you haven't you may want to check your power). This unfortunate occurrence has led everyone to wonder, how did this happen? The finger pointing has begun and Ohio looks to be the main culprit. Ladies and gentleman, it's NOT us!! I can assure you that my fellow Ohioans, FirstEnergy (the power provider for Ohio, Pennsylvania, and New Jersey) and I are innocent of these accusations. In fact, I know who the real criminals behind this deed are. I have asked a dear friend, Tico Jaartz, to expose these varmints!
My story begins almost two weeks before the "Great Blackout of 2003" at the Thornton Family Compound. I had the privilege of interviewing Jonathan Thornton (one of the residents of the TFC), who told me that he spotted Alvin, Simon and Theodore (of Alvin and the Chipmunks cartoon fame) compromising the structural integrity of his truck (a 2000 Dodge Ram 4x4). I was quickly dismayed at the possibility of a fracture between chipmunk and human relations, so I began investigating the alleged crime scene right away. Low and behold, I uncovered some startling evidence! Underneath the hood of Jonathan's truck was some insulation that appeared to be tampered with. Upon further investigation, I discovered a small amount of chewed insulation that was HIGHLY visible to the naked eye (though this discovery tried to be discounted by other residents of the TFC who will remain nameless). As my investigation continued, I took note of Jonathan's radio, which decided to suddenly stop working. Though I could produce no evidence, which would point to the rodent actors sabotaging the radio, I DO have my theories. The last discovery that was made near the battery compartment of Jonathan's truck. After several attempts to start the truck failed (as did using jumper cables), I assumed that the battery felt it no longer needed to function. My assumption turned out to be correct with battery acid caked around the battery terminals to be ultimate coup de grace. My investigation closed with three famous chipmunks still on the loose, but a client's truck was put back into working condition (except for the radio, that still baffles me) after a new batter was purchased. I thought Alvin, Simon and Theodore's escapades would end, but I was mistaken.
At 3:06 pm on August 14th, those overpaid rodents were at it again. Along with their cousins Chip and Dale (of Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers cartoon show), the group of five infiltrated FirstEnergy power transmission lines in northeastern Ohio and began to chew, chew and chew. At 4:10 pm, their relentless chewing was rewarded with the failure of power in numerous states and cities in the United States and parts of Canada. The rest as many people say is history. But ladies and gentleman YOU, yes, you can be a part of history. Make Alvin, Simon and Theodore change their normal attire of over-sized one-color turtlenecks into bright orange prison jumpsuits (with matching slippers). Change their lavish diet of whipped nut pudding and nut ale to nut flavored water and nut wafers! They changed the way we live, let's change theirs...permanently!!! To combat any new crimes they are contemplating I have asked my brothers Rico and Pico Jaartz to assist in catching these chipmunk criminals. Have no fear the Jaartz Brother Chipmunk Criminal Task Force is here!!!!
Ladies and Gentleman, I have a message for the DEA. Hire Ozzy Osbourne for a new ad campaign!!! If any of you missed it don't worry, it wasn't worth watching or hearing. Last week Ozzy and wife, Sharon, were present at a Chicago Cubs game to sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" during the seventh inning stretch. Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell Ozzy that he should at least TRY to sing the CORRECT words to the song. The first couple lines were absolutely wrong and then the rest of the song sounded like a person trying to sing with their mouth covered with duct tape. It was HORRIBLE!!! If I'm the Chicago Cubs, how do I let someone like Ozzy try and sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"? Are you serious? Out of all the celebrities that the Cubs could have picked, Ozzy was it?!!! In all seriousness, though it's a very sad and troubling situation. Would you want your sons, daughters or friends to end up like Ozzy is?!!! This is why the DEA should get involved. Use Ozzy as a spokesperson (wait he wouldn't even need to speak he could just stand in front of a camera). Whoops, I forgot he all ready does that on his television show. Okay that's enough of that.
Ladies and gentleman That concludes today's newsletter. I am strongly considering a special edition, sent later this week. Keep your eyes open (especially if you're walking or driving). Have a wonderful and blessed day.
Jonathan
Monday, August 11, 2003
August 11, 2003 The Jonathan Clause Issue #1
Good morning ladies and gentleman.
Today begins the start of a new direction for me. While I wait for employment to sweep me away to new monetary heights and 40 hour work weeks, I have decided to write a email "newsletter" covering current events and events here at our home. Consider yourselves VERY privileged to have this opportunity to partake in such things as this "newsletter". Please feel free to comment on the "Jonathan Clause" (the name of the "newsletter". The "Jonathan Clause" will try to reach the soul and mind, while also taking a whack at your funny bone.
I woke up today at 8:43 am to a very unrecognizable noise. I thought our house was being sabotaged by men wielding chainsaws (at least that's what it sounded like), so I quickly reached for my glasses and sat up in bed (for those of you who have never been in my room, which is 99% of you, my bed is situated next to windows that overlook our neighbor's wooded back yard). I carefully peered out of my window and saw one of our lawn maintenance engineers putting fertilizer around our tree and flowerbeds. Okay, so my first thoughts were a little off, but it was quite weird. The LME's (lawn maintenance engineers) continued their work all over our yard, and I followed most of their moves. The fertilizer was spread by using a thirty to forty foot hose and a fertilizer-spreading machine mounted on a truck. Don't ask me what kind of truck; it was one of those fertilizer-spreading trucks! What I found most fascinating about this whole ordeal was that the fertilizer was steaming when it was applied to the tree and flowerbeds. It steamed so much that it fogged up our dining room windows that are right next to a flowerbed. So what?! Well, the next time you take a ride through America's farmland and the "sweet" aroma of animal dung tickles your nostrils, remember that smell may reach your rose garden or fir trees in your backyard by way of the LMEs and their dung heated truck.
In today's metro section of the Cleveland Plain Dealer, there was a front-page story that caught my attention. The story entitled, "A Conflict of Interests: Track's fans just want to race; neighbors prefer peace and quiet" (written by Maggi Martin) details the dispute between James Marino and Perry Township trustees and Mr. Marino's neighbors. Let me set up the scenario for you. I've never been to Perry Township, at least I don't think I have, but one thing I know is that Perry Township does have what most rural townships have around where I live have: land. In fact, Mr. Marino has 25 acres of land, where he breeds racehorses. Five of those 25 acres have been made into a dirt track for ATVs and dirt bikes. Justin Hanusosky and some others use the track regularly for practice. The practice must be paying off because Hanusosky has raced in national competitions with his ATV in Tennessee and Georgia.
The residents and trustees have beef with Mr. Marino and the riders because they state it's, "an illegal use of residential property". The issues of noise and dust are a continuing problem for the zoning board and neighbors. Mr. Marino has put in place a tree line and berms to reduce the noise level and a water wagon to reduce the dust, but these efforts don't look to be enough to solve the problem. So where do we go from here?
The trustees are seeking an injunction to close down the track and filed a complaint in Lake County Common Pleas Court (Lake County is north of Geauga County where we live. It's Gee aw ga.) The trustees say that the track violates zoning laws, which state that, "don't permit recreational use of land in a residential area". The only other time I've heard some kind of argument like this was on ABC's 20/20 program. A family out in New Jersey (85% sure) built a baseball diamond (with fence, backstop, and I believe an indoor facility as well) on their property to the dismay of their neighbors and the zoning board. That's pretty much it on the facts, but here comes the speculation and questions!
Since I've been home from school there have been two different occasions reported in the local news of children being hurt or killed in ATV accidents. Would the Perry Township trustees rather have these children on the roads or in unsafe conditions where they could possibly get hurt? Does Mr. Marino have the racers sign a release if one of them is injured while on his track? Can't the neighbors and Mr. Marino compromise over this issue? At this point I'm willing to side with Mr. Marino and the racers. It seems as though he has built a legitimate way for these racers to practice. If he got some kind of release waiver form and insurance for the racers and his track what's the problem? It's his land isn't it? There is always some kind of noise pollution in the air, and steps to curb excessive noise pollution (outrageously loud car stereos, semi-truck engine brakes) have in some cities been put into place. If these racers aren't practicing at 3 in the morning or at 11 at night, then why not let them race? If they can't practice on Mr. Marino's property where will the trustees allow them to? Maybe I'm missing the point. Do you think I am? I'd like to hear your feedback on such issues.
Well as many of you know I still don't have a job yet. There are some small possibilities that are beginning to open but I don't know if they'll come through. I'm excited about finding a job and starting a new career and launching out on my own. What kills me is the waiting process, hearing back from people, waiting by the phone...stuff like that. Church was really good yesterday. It really helped to put the whole job situation in perspective. One of our pastors spoke on Psalm 27 last evening. It's been one of my favorite Psalms since I began my job search. I encourage you to read it and if you don't have a bible here it is.
"The Lord is my light and my salvation -- whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life -- of whom shall I be afraid?
When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall.
Though an army besieges me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident.
One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.
Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the Lord.
Hear my voice when I call, O Lord; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek.
Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper.
Do no reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior.
Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.
Teach me your way, O Lord; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors.
Do not turn me over to the desire of my foe, for false witnesses rise up against me, breathing out violence.
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
This psalm has provided me with much comfort over the past few weeks. Well that's all for the first edition of the "Jonathan Clause". I hope that the Lord blesses you all. Talk to you later.
Jonathan
P.S. Thoughts on Kobe? Liberia? California's recall race? Job opportunities in sports? Feel free to comment!!
Today begins the start of a new direction for me. While I wait for employment to sweep me away to new monetary heights and 40 hour work weeks, I have decided to write a email "newsletter" covering current events and events here at our home. Consider yourselves VERY privileged to have this opportunity to partake in such things as this "newsletter". Please feel free to comment on the "Jonathan Clause" (the name of the "newsletter". The "Jonathan Clause" will try to reach the soul and mind, while also taking a whack at your funny bone.
I woke up today at 8:43 am to a very unrecognizable noise. I thought our house was being sabotaged by men wielding chainsaws (at least that's what it sounded like), so I quickly reached for my glasses and sat up in bed (for those of you who have never been in my room, which is 99% of you, my bed is situated next to windows that overlook our neighbor's wooded back yard). I carefully peered out of my window and saw one of our lawn maintenance engineers putting fertilizer around our tree and flowerbeds. Okay, so my first thoughts were a little off, but it was quite weird. The LME's (lawn maintenance engineers) continued their work all over our yard, and I followed most of their moves. The fertilizer was spread by using a thirty to forty foot hose and a fertilizer-spreading machine mounted on a truck. Don't ask me what kind of truck; it was one of those fertilizer-spreading trucks! What I found most fascinating about this whole ordeal was that the fertilizer was steaming when it was applied to the tree and flowerbeds. It steamed so much that it fogged up our dining room windows that are right next to a flowerbed. So what?! Well, the next time you take a ride through America's farmland and the "sweet" aroma of animal dung tickles your nostrils, remember that smell may reach your rose garden or fir trees in your backyard by way of the LMEs and their dung heated truck.
In today's metro section of the Cleveland Plain Dealer, there was a front-page story that caught my attention. The story entitled, "A Conflict of Interests: Track's fans just want to race; neighbors prefer peace and quiet" (written by Maggi Martin) details the dispute between James Marino and Perry Township trustees and Mr. Marino's neighbors. Let me set up the scenario for you. I've never been to Perry Township, at least I don't think I have, but one thing I know is that Perry Township does have what most rural townships have around where I live have: land. In fact, Mr. Marino has 25 acres of land, where he breeds racehorses. Five of those 25 acres have been made into a dirt track for ATVs and dirt bikes. Justin Hanusosky and some others use the track regularly for practice. The practice must be paying off because Hanusosky has raced in national competitions with his ATV in Tennessee and Georgia.
The residents and trustees have beef with Mr. Marino and the riders because they state it's, "an illegal use of residential property". The issues of noise and dust are a continuing problem for the zoning board and neighbors. Mr. Marino has put in place a tree line and berms to reduce the noise level and a water wagon to reduce the dust, but these efforts don't look to be enough to solve the problem. So where do we go from here?
The trustees are seeking an injunction to close down the track and filed a complaint in Lake County Common Pleas Court (Lake County is north of Geauga County where we live. It's Gee aw ga.) The trustees say that the track violates zoning laws, which state that, "don't permit recreational use of land in a residential area". The only other time I've heard some kind of argument like this was on ABC's 20/20 program. A family out in New Jersey (85% sure) built a baseball diamond (with fence, backstop, and I believe an indoor facility as well) on their property to the dismay of their neighbors and the zoning board. That's pretty much it on the facts, but here comes the speculation and questions!
Since I've been home from school there have been two different occasions reported in the local news of children being hurt or killed in ATV accidents. Would the Perry Township trustees rather have these children on the roads or in unsafe conditions where they could possibly get hurt? Does Mr. Marino have the racers sign a release if one of them is injured while on his track? Can't the neighbors and Mr. Marino compromise over this issue? At this point I'm willing to side with Mr. Marino and the racers. It seems as though he has built a legitimate way for these racers to practice. If he got some kind of release waiver form and insurance for the racers and his track what's the problem? It's his land isn't it? There is always some kind of noise pollution in the air, and steps to curb excessive noise pollution (outrageously loud car stereos, semi-truck engine brakes) have in some cities been put into place. If these racers aren't practicing at 3 in the morning or at 11 at night, then why not let them race? If they can't practice on Mr. Marino's property where will the trustees allow them to? Maybe I'm missing the point. Do you think I am? I'd like to hear your feedback on such issues.
Well as many of you know I still don't have a job yet. There are some small possibilities that are beginning to open but I don't know if they'll come through. I'm excited about finding a job and starting a new career and launching out on my own. What kills me is the waiting process, hearing back from people, waiting by the phone...stuff like that. Church was really good yesterday. It really helped to put the whole job situation in perspective. One of our pastors spoke on Psalm 27 last evening. It's been one of my favorite Psalms since I began my job search. I encourage you to read it and if you don't have a bible here it is.
"The Lord is my light and my salvation -- whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life -- of whom shall I be afraid?
When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall.
Though an army besieges me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident.
One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.
Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the Lord.
Hear my voice when I call, O Lord; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek.
Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper.
Do no reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior.
Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.
Teach me your way, O Lord; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors.
Do not turn me over to the desire of my foe, for false witnesses rise up against me, breathing out violence.
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
This psalm has provided me with much comfort over the past few weeks. Well that's all for the first edition of the "Jonathan Clause". I hope that the Lord blesses you all. Talk to you later.
Jonathan
P.S. Thoughts on Kobe? Liberia? California's recall race? Job opportunities in sports? Feel free to comment!!
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