Good morning ladies and gentleman.
Welcome to the second installment of the Jonathan Clause!! I hope that all of you are doing well. For those of you who are receiving the second edition of the Jonathan Clause, but did not receive the first one, do not fret! If you'd like the first edition sent to you please let me know. The J.C. will be sent out once a week, and if situations warrant special editions will be released. I would like to thank all of you who have offered support (remember monetary gifts are welcomed also...just kidding) Lettuce begin! Get it?! Haa haha okay enough of that...
I am sure that all of you have found out about the "Great Blackout of 2003" (if you haven't you may want to check your power). This unfortunate occurrence has led everyone to wonder, how did this happen? The finger pointing has begun and Ohio looks to be the main culprit. Ladies and gentleman, it's NOT us!! I can assure you that my fellow Ohioans, FirstEnergy (the power provider for Ohio, Pennsylvania, and New Jersey) and I are innocent of these accusations. In fact, I know who the real criminals behind this deed are. I have asked a dear friend, Tico Jaartz, to expose these varmints!
My story begins almost two weeks before the "Great Blackout of 2003" at the Thornton Family Compound. I had the privilege of interviewing Jonathan Thornton (one of the residents of the TFC), who told me that he spotted Alvin, Simon and Theodore (of Alvin and the Chipmunks cartoon fame) compromising the structural integrity of his truck (a 2000 Dodge Ram 4x4). I was quickly dismayed at the possibility of a fracture between chipmunk and human relations, so I began investigating the alleged crime scene right away. Low and behold, I uncovered some startling evidence! Underneath the hood of Jonathan's truck was some insulation that appeared to be tampered with. Upon further investigation, I discovered a small amount of chewed insulation that was HIGHLY visible to the naked eye (though this discovery tried to be discounted by other residents of the TFC who will remain nameless). As my investigation continued, I took note of Jonathan's radio, which decided to suddenly stop working. Though I could produce no evidence, which would point to the rodent actors sabotaging the radio, I DO have my theories. The last discovery that was made near the battery compartment of Jonathan's truck. After several attempts to start the truck failed (as did using jumper cables), I assumed that the battery felt it no longer needed to function. My assumption turned out to be correct with battery acid caked around the battery terminals to be ultimate coup de grace. My investigation closed with three famous chipmunks still on the loose, but a client's truck was put back into working condition (except for the radio, that still baffles me) after a new batter was purchased. I thought Alvin, Simon and Theodore's escapades would end, but I was mistaken.
At 3:06 pm on August 14th, those overpaid rodents were at it again. Along with their cousins Chip and Dale (of Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers cartoon show), the group of five infiltrated FirstEnergy power transmission lines in northeastern Ohio and began to chew, chew and chew. At 4:10 pm, their relentless chewing was rewarded with the failure of power in numerous states and cities in the United States and parts of Canada. The rest as many people say is history. But ladies and gentleman YOU, yes, you can be a part of history. Make Alvin, Simon and Theodore change their normal attire of over-sized one-color turtlenecks into bright orange prison jumpsuits (with matching slippers). Change their lavish diet of whipped nut pudding and nut ale to nut flavored water and nut wafers! They changed the way we live, let's change theirs...permanently!!! To combat any new crimes they are contemplating I have asked my brothers Rico and Pico Jaartz to assist in catching these chipmunk criminals. Have no fear the Jaartz Brother Chipmunk Criminal Task Force is here!!!!
Ladies and Gentleman, I have a message for the DEA. Hire Ozzy Osbourne for a new ad campaign!!! If any of you missed it don't worry, it wasn't worth watching or hearing. Last week Ozzy and wife, Sharon, were present at a Chicago Cubs game to sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" during the seventh inning stretch. Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell Ozzy that he should at least TRY to sing the CORRECT words to the song. The first couple lines were absolutely wrong and then the rest of the song sounded like a person trying to sing with their mouth covered with duct tape. It was HORRIBLE!!! If I'm the Chicago Cubs, how do I let someone like Ozzy try and sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"? Are you serious? Out of all the celebrities that the Cubs could have picked, Ozzy was it?!!! In all seriousness, though it's a very sad and troubling situation. Would you want your sons, daughters or friends to end up like Ozzy is?!!! This is why the DEA should get involved. Use Ozzy as a spokesperson (wait he wouldn't even need to speak he could just stand in front of a camera). Whoops, I forgot he all ready does that on his television show. Okay that's enough of that.
Ladies and gentleman That concludes today's newsletter. I am strongly considering a special edition, sent later this week. Keep your eyes open (especially if you're walking or driving). Have a wonderful and blessed day.
Jonathan
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